Thanksgiving Rules regulations for Black folk

[panklady]

I got this from another listserv I'm on...and I'm sure some of 'our cousins' can relate to this although it was meant for Black folk.

I know that I can definitely relate.

White folk, make yourselves a plate & take it away with you after Thanksgiving Dinner...it's a must! *smile*
------------------
9a. Re: Thanksgiving rules and regulations for black folk
>
> 1. Don't get in line asking questions about the food. "Who made the potato salad? Is it egg in there? Are the greens fresh? Is the > meat in the greens turkey or pork? Who made the macaroni and cheese? > What kind of pie is that? Who made it? Ask one more question and I
> will punch you in your mouth, knocking out all your fronts so you > won't be able to eat anything.
>
> 2. If you can't walk or are missing any limbs, sit your butt down
> until someone makes your plate for you. Dinner time is not the time
> for you to be independent. Nibble on them pecans and walnuts to hold
> you over until someone makes you a plate.
>
> 3. If you have kids under the age of twelve, I will escort their
> little butts to the basement and bring their food down to them. They
> are not gonna tear my house up this year. Tell them that they are
> not allowed upstairs until it's time for Uncle Butchie to start
> telling family stories about their mommas and papas. If they come
> upstairs for any reason except for that they are bleeding to death, I
> will tear their butts up and you better not ask why!
>
> 4. There is going to be one prayer for Thanksgiving dinner! JUST ONE! We do not care that you are thankful that your 13 year old > daughter gave birth to a healthy baby or your nephew just got out of > jail. The time limit for the prayer is one minute. If you are still
> talking after that one minute is up, you will feel something hard come across your lips and they will be swollen for approximately 20 > minutes.
>
> 5. Finish everything on your plate before you go up for seconds! If > you don't, you will be asked to stay your greedy butt home next year!
>
> 6. BRING YOUR OWN TUPPERWARE!! Don't let me catch you fixing
> yourself a plate in my good Tupperware knowing that I will never see
> it again! Furthermore, if you didn't bring anything over, don't let
> me catch you making a plate period or it will be a misunderstanding.
> And why are you making plates before you eat? You never bring a dish
> or offer a dime do you?
>
> 7. What you came with is what you should leave with!! Do not leave
> my house with anything that doesn't belong to you. EVERYBODY WILL BE
> SUBJECTED TO A BODY SEARCH COMING AND GOING OUT OF MY DOMAIN!!!
>
> 8. Do not leave your kids so you can go hopping from house to house.
> This is not a DAYCARE CENTER ! There will be a kid-parent roll call
> every ten minutes. Any parent that is not present at the time of roll
> call, your child will be put outside until you come and get him or
> her. After 24 hours, I will call CPS!
>
> 9. BOOK YOUR HOTEL ROOM BEFORE YOU COME INTO TOWN!! There will be no > sleeping over at my house! You are to come and eat dinner and go home > or to your hotel room. EVERYBODY GETS KICKED OUT AT 11:00 pm. You > will get a 15 minute warning bell ring.
>
> 10. Last but not least! ONE PLATE PER PERSON!! This is not a soup > kitchen. I am not trying to feed your family until Christmas dinner! > You will be supervised when you fix your plate. Anything over the > appropriate amount will be charged to you before you leave. There
> will be a cash register at the door. Thanks to Cousin Alfred and his > greedy family, we now have a credit card machine! So VISA and > MASTERCARD are now being accepted. NO FOOD STAMPS OR ACCESS CARDS > YET!

[The Buddy Love Show]

11. Keep the fistfights in the living room
12. Bookcases are for books, don't hide the shit you dont like in em
13. Don't be fucking in my house unless I'm invited in for some snatch too
14. Park your cars in the street or else you're driving to the store for extra whatever
15. The Grey Goose in the freezer is for me, the Stonehouse at the bar is for you
16. Nah bro I aint got "strong paper plates" - drip nigga!!!
17. I'LL go get your coat off my bed, Mr StickyFingers
18. Fuck your recipe - If your shit tasted any good we'd be eating at your house
19. Yes, The football game stays ON - 77-3 don't mean we're watching "Its a Wonderful Life" on PBS - ya fucking fruitcup
20. GET THE FUCK OUT!!!!!!!!

[DaveR]

13. Don't be fucking in my house unless I'm invited in for some snatch too

:rofl5:

[panklady]

Wm, I have officially choked on my own tongue laughing at your dumb a**! Thanks.

Let us NOT forget...

I repeat, I repeat...there will be NO (never, evah, evah circa Claire Huxtable)...pumpkin pie or green bean casserole served. Both are banned...

Dammit, Squanto & Sachajaywea (ethnically fab spelling--hungry & tired), Pocahontas 'nem didn't eat that madness...don't brang that foolness over here.

And remember, mom we're too old for TALENT SHOWS after the main meal. LOL (Yes, I confess.)

Although my seafood salad's good...y'all can't take a trough full of it...save some dammit.

And Uncle So 'n So...we all aren't diabetic...so don't bring JUST diet sodas. Dayum...some of us don't like aspertate or Splenda...and water is NOT an option.

Running me up 'n down the steps after your kids or to 'fetch that me for me' isn't an option either.

Old skool statement to kids: In or out? *pointing at the door*

I will fight a two year old for the last chicken wing...don't sleep.

Just 'cause it's my momma's house doesn't mean I have to wash all the dishes...you ate, too...brang ya a** over here & take a round at these dishes. Dishpan hands are not unique to just me...

And to my uncle "yes, I'mma eat that" as he points at my plate...greedy se'f!

No talking with food in your mouth, no smacking, or showering me with your leftovers.

Man, I love Thanksgiving! LOL

[The Buddy Love Show]

Wm, I have officially choked on my own tongue laughing at your dumb a**! Thanks.

Let us NOT forget...

I repeat, I repeat...there will be NO (never, evah, evah circa Claire Huxtable)...pumpkin pie or green bean casserole served. Both are banned...

Dammit, Squanto & Sachajaywea (ethnically fab spelling--hungry & tired), Pocahontas 'nem didn't eat that madness...don't brang that foolness over here.

And remember, mom we're too old for TALENT SHOWS after the main meal. LOL (Yes, I confess.)

Although my seafood salad's good...y'all can't take a trough full of it...save some dammit.

And Uncle So 'n So...we all aren't diabetic...so don't bring JUST diet sodas. Dayum...some of us don't like aspertate or Splenda...and water is NOT an option.

Running me up 'n down the steps after your kids or to 'fetch that me for me' isn't an option either.

Old skool statement to kids: In or out? *pointing at the door*

I will fight a two year old for the last chicken wing...don't sleep.

Just 'cause it's my momma's house doesn't mean I have to wash all the dishes...you ate, too...brang ya a** over here & take a round at these dishes. Dishpan hands are not unique to just me...

And to my uncle "yes, I'mma eat that" as he points at my plate...greedy se'f!

No talking with food in your mouth, no smacking, or showering me with your leftovers.

Man, I love Thanksgiving! LOL

We're laughing, but I know you aint lettin cousin Pookie no where near your jewelry - "BEDROOM DOOR GOTS A KEY!!!!!! I'LL get your coats Mr How You beat The Feds Stories at The Dinner Table"


I love Thanksgiving

[cleodine velvet jackson]

Panklady, I received the email today and it had me :rofl5: in tears. However, you and Palatine William Wilson took it to another level. And, I hope y'all have some more to add.:rofl5:

[Edith A. Giles]

21. To my cousin June-Bug, DON'T spike the fruit punch this year!!!! and don't be selling no rocks up in my house!!! KEEP YOUR BUSINESS AT HOME!!!!
22. To my uncle Ray-Ray...NOW is NOT the time to come over dressed in drag!!! Grandma and Grandpa still hasn't gotten over the fact that you're gay.
23. To my other cousin Dookie...tell your baby mama to keep her mouth closed!!!! If she come up in house starting shit, going through my house, bitching and complaining about ANYTHING, I swear to God I will kick her out in the cold and that badass demon child of yours will be out there with her!!!!
24. To my nephew Deuce, uh I mean...Abdullah....I know you just got out on parole, but I REALLY don't wanna hear about how Allah changed your life while you were in the pen and how Thanksgiving is the tool of the devil :rolleyes:!!!
25. To my sister, Shanequa...Quit asking me when I'm gonna have kids!!! Just because you didn't do a good job with Abdullah don't give YOU the right to worry about MY life...if you or anybody else ask me when I'm gonna have kids again, I will pop you dead in the mouth :mad1:!!!!!!!!
26. NO PETS are allowed in my house!!! Leave Fido and Tabby at home!!!!!
27. PAPER PLATES, CUPS, AND UTENSILS ONLY!!!!!! Do not let me catch you using my good shit!!!!!
28. If you make a mess, CLEAN IT UP!!!!!


I'll have more later...

[cleodine velvet jackson]

21. To my cousin June-Bug, DON'T spike the fruit punch this year!!!! and don't be selling no rocks up in my house!!! KEEP YOUR BUSINESS AT HOME!!!!
22. To my uncle Ray-Ray...NOW is NOT the time to come over dressed in drag!!! Grandma and Grandpa still hasn't gotten over the fact that you're gay.
23. To my other cousin Dookie...tell your baby mama to keep her mouth closed!!!! If she come up in house starting shit, going through my house, bitching and complaining about ANYTHING, I swear to God I will kick her out in the cold and that badass demon child of yours will be out there with her!!!!
24. To my nephew Deuce...I know you just got out on parole, but I REALLY don't wanna hear about how Allah changed your life while you were in the pen :rolleyes:!!!
25. To my sister, Shanequa...Quit asking me when I'm gonna have kids!!! Just because you didn't do a good job with deuce don't give YOU the right to worry about MY life...if you or anybody else ask me when I'm gonna have kids again, I will pop you dead in the mouth :mad1:!!!!!!!!
26. NO PETS are allowed in my house!!! Leave Fido and Tabby at home!!!!!
27. PAPER PLATES, CUPS, AND UTENSILS ONLY!!!!!! Do not let me catch you using my good shit!!!!!
28. If you make a mess, CLEAN IT UP!!!!!


I'll have more later...

I am so loving this thread.:rofl5:

[Bill Blake]

I don't think any brack folks are comming to my apt this year....thank god.

[Jamie 3:26]

Make sure the relatives who have roaches,don't make any dishes.

"Damn,those ain't raisins?"

"Why didn't you tell me Ella Ruth made the damn pie..."

[JR JAM]

16. Nah bro I aint got "strong paper plates" - drip nigga!!!

:rofl5:

[ngeso]

ROFL!

"it's my house, like Diana Ross said, it's my house...and I live here... and she sings in Spanish too... en mi casa, I don't vivo aqui..."

[chldfknungrnd764]

Make sure the relatives who have roaches,don't make any dishes.

"Damn,those ain't raisins?"

"Why didn't you tell me Ella Ruth made the damn pie..."

I've had folks call me a few weeks before the holidays to try and rid their homes of their roaches.:wtf:

Sorry, I'm not a miracle worker.:rolleyes:

"Them's be your roaches":cussing:!

[Edith A. Giles]

29. PLEASE make sure you took a shower and fixed your feet before you come over because you will have to take off your shoes at in house!!!!
You ain't gone have MY house smelling like rotton fish and stale corn chips :puke: !!!
30. If you can't find a place to park, that is NOT MY PROBLEM!!!!!
31. Whatever you bring, make sure the shit is ALREADY COOKED!!!!!! (No pork!!! No seafood!!!! ) I'M the only one cooking up in MY house!!!!
32. No fucking, gambling, or getting high ANYWHERE in MY HOUSE!!!!!
You will IMMEDIATELY get kicked the fuck out!!!!
33. When it's time to leave, PLEASE for the love of God, PLEASE be quiet and PLEASE do not linger outside!!! The last thing I need is to have my neighbors bitching at ME because of YOU waking them up!!!!

[Ernest Fountain]

...
16. Nah bro I aint got "strong paper plates" - drip nigga!!!
...

22. To my uncle Ray-Ray...NOW is NOT the time to come over dressed in drag!!! Grandma and Grandpa still hasn't gotten over the fact that you're gay.
...

:biglaugha:

[panklady]

Get confirmation from the matriach/patriach before you go inviting 'strays'. We need to know "how you do" before we let you into the inner sanctum of family dining.

And if you are a stray--don't come empty-handed...you can bring suntin (cups, ice, drinks, etc)...Dishes must get prior approval though. LOL

Shoutout to my uncle's wife who I had to clown 2 years ago after taking mad seafood salad...I yelled out to her "if this were a Chinese buffet, we'd charge by the pound". LOL

[Edith A. Giles]

Get confirmation from the matriach/patriach before you go inviting 'strays'. We need to know "how you do" before we let you into the inner sanctum of family dining.

And if you are a stray--don't come empty-handed...you can bring suntin (cups, ice, drinks, etc)...Dishes must get prior approval though. LOL



What she said....

[Alanda Marquette from DiscoLadyLand]

Another one:

We serve Dinner by 2pm! Don't come over to my house with Pookie'nem at 9:00 talking about "We came to eat!" All I have to say is "KICK ROCKS!"

When we say bring something Uncle Whats-His-Name better not be bringing cheap azz Schlitz, a bottle of Boone's Farm and a bag of those cheap azz tri-colored coconut candies; Talking about "The liquor store had these on sale 3 for a dollar, the kids love these" :rofl:

For the young single men of the family that get new girlfriends every year, Don't bring that drunk azz ho to the house and if you do don't send her in the kitchen to make her plate or Auntie Ernestine is gonna call her by your other girlfriend's name and start talking about how many times you had to go to the doctor about "that problem"

[Edith A. Giles]

Another one:

We serve Dinner by 2pm! Don't come over to my house with Pookie'nem at 9:00 talking about "We came to eat!" All I have to say is "KICK ROCKS!"

When we say bring something Uncle Whats-His-Name better not be bringing cheap azz Schlitz, a bottle of Boone's Farm and a bag of those cheap azz tri-colored coconut candies; Talking about "The liquor store had these on sale 3 for a dollar, the kids love these" :rofl:

For the young single men of the family that get new girlfriends every year, Don't bring that drunk azz ho to the house and if you do don't send her in the kitchen to make her plate or Auntie Ernestine is gonna call her by your other girlfriend's name and start talking about how many times you had to go to the doctor about "that problem"

Hell no...:rofl:

[Edith A. Giles]

34. If by any chance you drink too much liquor, you BET NOT throw up on my floor, in my grass or in the front of my house or you WILL be cleaning it up!!!!
35. No store-bought pumpkin pie!!!!!...you WILL get clowned!!!!!!! :nono:
36. Do NOT, under ANY circumstances interrupt me in the middle of spaces/bid whist/dominoes/backgammon/othello (what ch'all know 'bout THAT?!) to ask me a bunch of stupid ass questions!!!

[chldfknungrnd764]

Any comments on folks wanted to change the music when they first walk in?:mad1:

[Edith A. Giles]

Any comments on folks wanted to change the music when they first walk in?:mad1:

I was just about to get into that...

37. Don't come up in house, telling me to change the channel on MY TV or the station on MY radio!!!! And HELL NO, you CANNOT play your Soulja Boy CD on MY CD player!!!

[JR JAM]

Any comments on folks wanted to change the music when they first walk in?:mad1:

:kickbut:

[panklady]

For the young single men of the family that get new girlfriends every year, Don't bring that drunk azz ho to the house and if you do don't send her in the kitchen to make her plate or Auntie Ernestine is gonna call her by your other girlfriend's name and start talking about how many times you had to go to the doctor about "that problem"

*over here dying...SHUT IT (UP)! That was THE funniest thing I've been privy to today...maybe even all week.

*printing this out to frame it* I must come back to this again...:rofl5: (Where is my favorite smilie when I need him...when he beats the floor?)

[chldfknungrnd764]

I was just about to get into that...

37. Don't come up in house, telling me to change the channel on MY TV or the station on MY radio!!!! And HELL NO, you CANNOT play your Soulja Boy CD on MY CD player!!!


Are we ready to retire this song yet?

[JR JAM]

For the young single men of the family that get new girlfriends every year, Don't bring that drunk azz ho to the house and if you do don't send her in the kitchen to make her plate or Auntie Ernestine is gonna call her by your other girlfriend's name and start talking about how many times you had to go to the doctor about "that problem"

*over here dying...SHUT IT (UP)! That was THE funniest thing I've been privy to today...maybe even all week.

*printing this out to frame it* I must come back to this again...:rofl5: (Where is my favorite smilie when I need him...when he beats the floor?)

:icon_rofl:

[Edith A. Giles]

Are we ready to retire this song yet?

I wish they would...I've seen sick of it since I first heard it...

[panklady]

How 'bout this? Mom breaks out the china, right? Why do these folk think that they can microwave china (Chinette yes, china no)...and it's the good OLD generation to generation china with 14 K gold around the edges. I have to stand guard over the microwave to ensure that they don't do it. "Cletus!"

[Edith A. Giles]

How 'bout this? Mom breaks out the china, right? Why do these folk think that they can microwave china (Chinette yes, china no)...and it's the good OLD generation to generation china with 14 K gold around the edges. I have to stand guard over the microwave to ensure that they don't do it. "Cletus!"

...and don't get me started on stupid mofos who try to put foil and/or wax paper in the mircowave...

I understand about the good china, people trying to micrwave in it, that's why i break out the chinette paper plates all the time, and I REALLY don't feel like washing dishes after I done did all that cooking.

[Alanda Marquette from DiscoLadyLand]

For the young single men of the family that get new girlfriends every year, Don't bring that drunk azz ho to the house and if you do don't send her in the kitchen to make her plate or Auntie Ernestine is gonna call her by your other girlfriend's name and start talking about how many times you had to go to the doctor about "that problem"

*over here dying...SHUT IT (UP)! That was THE funniest thing I've been privy to today...maybe even all week.

*printing this out to frame it* I must come back to this again...:rofl5: (Where is my favorite smilie when I need him...when he beats the floor?)

You know this has happened in your family :rofl:

[jojaujae3]

11. Keep the fistfights in the living room
12. Bookcases are for books, don't hide the shit you dont like in em
13. Don't be fucking in my house unless I'm invited in for some snatch too
14. Park your cars in the street or else you're driving to the store for extra whatever
15. The Grey Goose in the freezer is for me, the Stonehouse at the bar is for you
16. Nah bro I aint got "strong paper plates" - drip nigga!!!
17. I'LL go get your coat off my bed, Mr StickyFingers
18. Fuck your recipe - If your shit tasted any good we'd be eating at your house
19. Yes, The football game stays ON - 77-3 don't mean we're watching "Its a Wonderful Life" on PBS - ya fucking fruitcup
20. GET THE FUCK OUT!!!!!!!!
:rofl:

[Edith A. Giles]

38. To my uncle Pee-Wee, Don't come over here askin' people for money!!!!!!!


Matter of fact, whoever come over for Thanksgiving Dinner, DO NOT LOAN MY UNCLE PEE-WEE MONEY!!!! You will NEVER get it back!!!!

[ngeso]

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[The Buddy Love Show]

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That boys got TALENT!!!!!!

bwahahahahahaha

[panklady]

Shout-outs to the diabetics in my family...put the cakes, cookies, and pies back. *smacking hands* And yes, "a little bit" can hurt you. That goes for sweet tea & other sugared drinks, too.

You are being watched...and no, I'm not rolling with you to the hospital if you go into sugar shock. Got to leave the emergency waiting room clear for those who get maimed or killed at the family dinner table after fighting 'cause too much information was shared over dinner.

(Why did my mom say "we're reading these at dinner"?)

Oh yeah...for those with kids, I have little to no maternal instinct so please don't ask me to change diapers or pulls-up for YOUR little sons. They're eating Thanksgiving dinner (not baby food) and I definitely don't want to be involved in their aftermath. LOL

[ngeso]

That boys got TALENT!!!!!!

bwahahahahahaha




You know, I didn't even realize until recently that that was Sam Jackson. I never made the connection from seeing Raw to "first" seeing him in Do The Right Thing.

[Fletch]

No pot sniffin.....!!!!!!!

[chldfknungrnd764]

Shout-outs to the diabetics in my family...put the cakes, cookies, and pies back. *smacking hands* And yes, "a little bit" can hurt you. That goes for sweet tea & other sugared drinks, too.

You are being watched...and no, I'm not rolling with you to the hospital if you go into sugar shock. Got to leave the emergency waiting room clear for those who get maimed or killed at the family dinner table after fighting 'cause too much information was shared over dinner.

(Why did my mom say "we're reading these at dinner"?)

Oh yeah...for those with kids, I have little to no maternal instinct so please don't ask me to change diapers or pulls-up for YOUR little sons. They're eating Thanksgiving dinner (not baby food) and I definitely don't want to be involved in their aftermath. LOL

I can relate to the first two paragraphs!:rofl5: