View Full Version : Fear of commitment... My personal perspective
AN ADMISSION:
I am completely terrified of commitment. At this point in my life, I dread the thought of living with someone. I don't want to give up my personal space. The concept of marriage is distasteful to me. In my eyes it is an institution of bondage and servitude. I reject the idea of physically, mentally, spiritually, legally and financially conjoining myself to another. It is a bad investment. If it fails you gain nothing and lose everything. I do not wish to be anyone's "caretaker". It's hard enough to survive on my own. Anyone in my life must be self-sufficient. If they aren't, they're a liability.
I know that, right now, those reading this are thinking "HML, you're all f*cked up in the head.". Well, to some degree, aren't we all? Instead of passing judgement, seek understanding. Show compassion, ask WHY, HOW and WHAT.
MY HISTORY:
I was raised by a single mother. My moms was a tough, uncompromising, resourceful, highly independent and extremely intelligent Black woman. I grew up believing all women would/should be that way. I didn't know my father, never laid eyes on the man. I know nothing about him.
During my young, impressionable years, I had no consistent, positive male role models. No grandfathers, uncles or older cousins... To be honest, I did have an uncle; an abusive, hateful, mean-spirited whoremonger whom I feared and despised. But, him and his kids lived in Alabama. I grew up in Newark, NJ. So, contact with them was rare.
I never had the opportunity to witness a real, working relationship. Never saw a man loving, respecting and supporting a woman; except on TV. I grew up with a very skewed, idealistic concept of relationships. I was ignorant because I'd never been taught or shown.
I had an older brother who was similar to my uncle in temperament. He also was quite a womanizer. He constantly bragged about his sexual conquests. The lewd details of his escapades fascinated me. But, simultaneously, I was left with strong feelings of inadequacy because I hadn't had sex yet... Although at the time I was only about 10-11 years old. :rolleyes:
As I grew into a young man, I was very respectful of women. This was one positive lesson learned from seeing the way my brother abused his girlfriends... I never wanted to speak to or treat a female human being in that manner. Despite this, admittedly, I looked upon women as sexual objects. During my adolescent years, I was cursed with an overwhelming lust. I had no one to discuss this with and no way to vent the powerful feelings I was having. I became very frustrated at my lack of understanding. If I'd simply had someone say to me, "Hey little man... what you're going through is normal. You'll be alright." graemlins/jpshakehead.gif Puberty might've been a little less traumatic.
After high school, I was seeking (craving) my independence and some semblance of discipline/order in my life. So, I enlisted in the navy. Once I was away from home, I felt very lonely and isolated. The remedy? You guessed it: I married my high school sweetheart. (The first major mistake of my life...) I was 20, she was 18. I expected my new bride to be iron-willed and tough like my mother. She expected to be completely taken care of while giving little in return, as in her father's house. We hadn't a clue what we were embarking upon. We were too young, too inexperienced, too idealistic and too damned immature. Four years and three kids later, we were still hanging in there, but the writing was on the wall. We had grown up and apart from eachother... Neither one of us was happy with who the other had become. We shared few common interests. I was in the navy and at one point working two part-time jobs. I paid ALL the bills, and I do mean EVERYTHING !! She took pretty good care of the kids and halfway cleaned the house. She ate her way up to 250+ pounds and complained about how unhappy she was. She rarely cooked even though I spent almost 200 bucks a payday on groceries. I was unhappy with my naval career and myself. I was unable to show compassion for her after all the hours I spent working and then coming home to no dinner and her sour moods.
The woman I'd bound myself to physically, mentally, emotionally, financially and legally, had now become an anchor. We stopped having sex and fought bitterly. I broke my vow never to curse the mother of my children. Things got really ugly. Cops showing up at my house and whatnot... We finally threw in the towel and separated after seven years. I moved out of a very nice apartment and into a room. I gave her about 40% of my take home pay, which didn't leave a whole lot for me to live on... Because we couldn't be around eachother, without arguing, I stayed away from her and therefore my kids. In my defense, I had to stay away because she made me so angry. mad1.gif At times I was truly afraid that I was gonna hit her. And I wasn't tryin' to go to jail.
We divorced in 1992. Since then, I've made a complete mess of my relationships... Four wonderful women slipped through my fingers because I could not commit. I don't blame them. I've done some rather unscrupulous things, including being seriously involved with more than one woman at the same time. :(
Commitment issues were raised in a recent post about "women not knowing what they want"... Classic example to illustrate that point = my ex-wife. Classic example of a man who knows what he wants, has had it in his grasp and let it slip way = HML (aka ME!)
Peace,
HML
PS - FYI, I reconnected with my kids several years ago. They lived with me for a year while their mother was going through some changes. Now they spend summers with me. Without fail, I pay my child support. I now have a very amicable relationship with my ex. smile.gif
SIDEBAR: I realize that there are cynical, judgemental people on this board. I shared these facts about myself to open a discussion on why some of us fear commitment. I will not respond to personal attacks or slanderous comments about my character.
Leslie
03-23-2003, 02:42 PM
Much respect for sharing such personal feelings and experiences. Opening up is the begining of things turning around....
Originally posted by Leslie:
Much respect for sharing such personal feelings and experiences. Opening up is the begining of things turning around.... Thank you Leslie. http://deephousepage.com/smilies/coolgleamA.gif
-HML
(Im)poster
03-23-2003, 03:09 PM
HML,
We all bring our baggage with us into whatever relationships we enter. In my mind, marriage is not essential (though I tend to change my stand and wish for idealized nuclear families when children are involved). What IS essential IMO is personal growth. That, rather than marriage, is my priority. As someone said in another thread, we attract what we are.
No one says you have to get married. Why are you defending yourself as if you feel it is a must?
Just be there for your kids. You never know what happiness life might hold for you if you work on developing your best self.
Originally posted by HML:
I will not respond to personal attacks or slanderous comments about my character. Let he who is without sin cast the first stone!
(Im)poster
03-23-2003, 03:23 PM
I re-read your post and now I have a question.
What was going through your mind each time you let these wonderful women slip away? Did they give that marry-me-or-I'm-gone ultimatum, or was it always that you got caught messing around?
I wonder about this only because I got a call last week from one of my ex-boyfriends of the
oh-so-desirable variety. Turns out his girl is
pushing him to marry her and he tells me their relationship lacks "intensity." Get this: "Not like what we used to have." To put it in perspective, we have remained friends since our
break-up, but I can't help wondering if this woman isn't really perfect for him and he's just
looking back and embellishing our past so he can try to find some way to avoid marrying her. To his defense, if she loves him, I think she should just wait for him. He's honest, but has some life goals he'd like to accomplish before he marries. Can't fault that.
So, HML, being a man who knows what he wants but lets it slip away, I'd appreciate any light you might shed on yourself and others like you. :D
Just curious, mind you, remember I'm working on creating the best me I can be. ;)
Originally posted by (Im)poster:
I wonder about this only because I got a call last week from one of my ex-boyfriends of the
oh-so-desirable variety. Turns out his girl is
pushing him to marry her and he tells me their relationship lacks "intensity." Get this: "Not like what we used to have." To put it in perspective, we have remained friends since our
break-up, but I can't help wondering if this woman isn't really perfect for him and he's just
looking back and embellishing our past so he can try to find some way to avoid marrying her.Actually, he's just trying to get back into your draws.
[ March 23, 2003, 03:26 PM: Message edited by: TAC ]
It's trully refreshing to here someone who can be so honest about their feelings. The first step to getting over anyting is ACCEPTANCE, and apparently you have that , so you are half way there. Know matter what led to the demise of any of your past relationships, I hope they were all good learning experiences for you. Continue on in this thing called "life". GOD will bless you with what you are looking for,(if you are looking) and GOD will make sure you have everything you need. biggrinangel.gif
Originally posted by HML:
I shared these facts about myself to open a discussion on why some of us fear commitment.Some people fear commitent because they are afraid of being hurt.
My view on life is "You can't get love, unless your open to love."
Peace
TAC
It's hard to be two with anyone unless you are one within yourself. I have know fear of commitment, this opens me up to alot of hurt because I seem to commit to those that do.
Musica
03-23-2003, 03:46 PM
Thanks for being so open. Hope this will help some understand the actions of others. A few of my male friends have no contact or never knew who their fathers were. The same goes for females that have been abandoned by their mothers which results to a lifetime of problems. Some are aware of their actions and why, while others are just in denial.
Ronnie Ron
03-23-2003, 04:01 PM
Damn HML,
Some parts of your story remind me of the things I went through especially the dead beat Dad part. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, I pass no judgement on your life, I hope your commitment situation changes. I have been through some Crummy shit enough to wonder why i never landed in Jail from being so frustrated and pissed off with my Ex wife. Punched many, many, many holes in the wall (Luckily never hit a stud) But still to this day if i was to find the right woman for me i could commit in a second, I have this Everyone is not the same mentality and im willing to give anyone a chance, on the other hand i am very quick to cut off if things dont look right to me i dont believe in waisting valuable time on someting that does not feel right in my heart.
Good post brotha, Keep on Keepin on.
[ March 23, 2003, 04:05 PM: Message edited by: RonnieRon ]
Originally posted by (Im)poster:
HML,
We all bring our baggage with us into whatever relationships we enter. In my mind, marriage is not essential (though I tend to change my stand and wish for idealized nuclear families when children are involved). What IS essential IMO is personal growth. That, rather than marriage, is my priority. As someone said in another thread, we attract what we are.
No one says you have to get married. Why are you defending yourself as if you feel it is a must?
Just be there for your kids. You never know what happiness life might hold for you if you work on developing your best self. (Im)poster,
I wholeheartedly agree that we all bring baggage (ie emotional scars) into our relationships... But, I feel that we most allow those wounds to fully heal before we bring someone into our life and try to form a relationship. Elsewise we present ourselves as "damaged goods", and look to others to "bring" us happiness. Trying to form a bond before you've squared yourself away emotionally is like building the foundation of a house out of dry sand...
You are a rare breed. Most women nowadays feel that the end result of a relationship should be marriage. If not, they're wasting their time and why bother? I concur that the best possible situation for kids to come into this world and be raised is with married parents... I believe that children and our society in turn have/has suffered because of the breakdown of the traditional family unit.
The defensive tone you detected was entirely unintentional. But, it may be indicative of the pressures that men feel, from our female counterparts, to be ready to commit when they are. Also the phrase "he's afraid to commit" carries with it such a negative connotation.
I am there for my daughters, I love them dearly and they know and love their father. I work constantly to grow and become a better person. I feel that happiness will come when I'm ready to recognize and accept it.
Peacefully,
HML
Originally posted by TAC:
</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by HML:
I will not respond to personal attacks or slanderous comments about my character. Let he who is without sin cast the first stone! </font>[/QUOTE]WORD!! Thanks TAC!! smile.gif
-HML
Friday
03-23-2003, 04:24 PM
Thank you HML for letting me step into your shoes for this short while. It is funny that you ask for compassion when I am on the path to learning to have more compassion for others. We are all so much the same in our different bodies, it is a shame that a lot of the times we fail to see our similarities.
Thank you for sharing, I am truly humbled with your humility. Perhaps my way to more compassion has been well timed. ;)
ps...I still owe you my MRI story.
Originally posted by (Im)poster:
I re-read your post and now I have a question.
What was going through your mind each time you let these wonderful women slip away? Did they give that marry-me-or-I'm-gone ultimatum, or was it always that you got caught messing around?
I wonder about this only because I got a call last week from one of my ex-boyfriends of the
oh-so-desirable variety. Turns out his girl is
pushing him to marry her and he tells me their relationship lacks "intensity." Get this: "Not like what we used to have." To put it in perspective, we have remained friends since our
break-up, but I can't help wondering if this woman isn't really perfect for him and he's just
looking back and embellishing our past so he can try to find some way to avoid marrying her. To his defense, if she loves him, I think she should just wait for him. He's honest, but has some life goals he'd like to accomplish before he marries. Can't fault that.
So, HML, being a man who knows what he wants but lets it slip away, I'd appreciate any light you might shed on yourself and others like you. :D
Just curious, mind you, remember I'm working on creating the best me I can be. ;) Im(poster),
Excellent questions and points you've raised! Although the situations were different with each of those "wonderful women", I lost them because I had healing to do and wasn't ready to commit. After I became single, I often thought "Nobody owns me anymore..." or "I ain't married, I can do what I want!" Even though those statements may have been true, that's a bad frame of mind to be in if your getting involved with someone. If I saw the tiniest flaw, I'd say to myself "And I'm gonna marry this? Hell naw!!" No ultimatums were given... I never really got busted with "the other woman". My guilt, and the impending reality that I couldn't keep two women, led me to confess.
Your ex-boyfriend has cold feet and is looking for a loophole. He may be somewhat content with his new girl, but he ain't feelin' the marriage vibe... Also, he has residual, unresolved feelings for you. And he knows that if he marries this other woman he'll always wonder what if... http://deephousepage.com/smilies/scratchchin.gif Hope this sheds some light on the path to a better you. ;)
-HML
Originally posted by DJCA:
It's trully refreshing to here someone who can be so honest about their feelings. The first step to getting over anyting is ACCEPTANCE, and apparently you have that , so you are half way there. Know matter what led to the demise of any of your past relationships, I hope they were all good learning experiences for you. Continue on in this thing called "life". GOD will bless you with what you are looking for,(if you are looking) and GOD will make sure you have everything you need. biggrinangel.gif Thank you so much for your kind words DJCA!! Your supportiveness is much appreciated. http://deephousepage.com/smilies/hug.gif
-HML
The words are from the heart baby! feeling a little down, need some MUSIC uplift???
Try Alan Kings 1984 from the archives! # 829 I belive. listening to it while cooking and cleaning. IT'S AN UPLIFT WITHIN ITSELF!!!!!! ;)
(Im)poster
03-23-2003, 06:16 PM
Originally posted by TAC:
</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by (Im)poster:
I wonder about this only because I got a call last week from one of my ex-boyfriends of the
oh-so-desirable variety. Turns out his girl is
pushing him to marry her and he tells me their relationship lacks "intensity." Get this: "Not like what we used to have." To put it in perspective, we have remained friends since our
break-up, but I can't help wondering if this woman isn't really perfect for him and he's just
looking back and embellishing our past so he can try to find some way to avoid marrying her.Actually, he's just trying to get back into your draws. </font>[/QUOTE]You're funny. He's probably not, though. He's a little deeper than that.
Originally posted by DJCA:
It's hard to be two with anyone unless you are one within yourself. A very eloquently stated truth. Thanks DJCA...
-HML
(Im)poster
03-23-2003, 06:34 PM
Originally posted by DJCA:
It's trully refreshing to here someone who can be so honest about their feelings. The first step to getting over anyting is ACCEPTANCE, and apparently you have that , so you are half way there. Know matter what led to the demise of any of your past relationships, I hope they were all good learning experiences for you. Continue on in this thing called "life". GOD will bless you with what you are looking for,(if you are looking) and GOD will make sure you have everything you need. biggrinangel.gif DJCA!
So good to see a post from you (forgive me, HML) I had been wondering how you were doing but you had not posted in awhile and I did not know how to PM you without a live post. Hope you are doing well. Wanted to ask how that job went. Also, you never did tell me the last mouse story...
damn bruh, stay strong, you probably already know that parts of your story are very common, you touched a lot of people with that one, more than you will ever know. good luck, man, the conclusion to your story is yet to be written, the children of your daughters will probably write it
I'm fine, (not to change the orginal subject), In fact I thought about you today! I'll PM the mouse story.
The job scene is still the same (not working) but got some motivation from so old DJ friends ( Love ya Terry H.) and I'll be doing some practing this week with Terry Hunter and hopefully you all will be hearing me rock some music real soon on the page.
Not to turn the subject, I'm in a new commited relationship, it looks like this may be the one, He is kind ,gentle,giving,caring, working, and most of all my children like him. We just got over our first BIG (the honey moon is over) fight,and it was a good one, but Love has ups and Downs I'm learning everyday how to love him, and myself more and more, even when I don't like him.Hell sometimes I don't like myself. but GOD is good all the time, I'm in this to win this. Hopefully I will be sending a major wedding announcement over the page by years end.
(Im)poster
03-23-2003, 06:49 PM
Originally posted by HML:
</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by (Im)poster:
HML,
We all bring our baggage with us into whatever relationships we enter. In my mind, marriage is not essential (though I tend to change my stand and wish for idealized nuclear families when children are involved). What IS essential IMO is personal growth. That, rather than marriage, is my priority. As someone said in another thread, we attract what we are.
No one says you have to get married. Why are you defending yourself as if you feel it is a must?
Just be there for your kids. You never know what happiness life might hold for you if you work on developing your best self. (Im)poster,
I wholeheartedly agree that we all bring baggage (ie emotional scars) into our relationships... But, I feel that we most allow those wounds to fully heal before we bring someone into our life and try to form a relationship. Elsewise we present ourselves as "damaged goods", and look to others to "bring" us happiness. Trying to form a bond before you've squared yourself away emotionally is like building the foundation of a house out of dry sand...
You are a rare breed. Most women nowadays feel that the end result of a relationship should be marriage. If not, they're wasting their time and why bother? I concur that the best possible situation for kids to come into this world and be raised is with married parents... I believe that children and our society in turn have/has suffered because of the breakdown of the traditional family unit.
The defensive tone you detected was entirely unintentional. But, it may be indicative of the pressures that men feel, from our female counterparts, to be ready to commit when they are. Also the phrase "he's afraid to commit" carries with it such a negative connotation.
I am there for my daughters, I love them dearly and they know and love their father. I work constantly to grow and become a better person. I feel that happiness will come when I'm ready to recognize and accept it.
Peacefully,
HML </font>[/QUOTE]I don't know that I'm so rare, HML. Honestly, I'm probably a lot like you with a female version of a fear of commitment. I did know and grow up with my father and my parents are still together even though they don't love each other. I've posted previously that I always wanted to avoid marriage because my father cheated and was not clever enough to successfully hide it from us. I didn't want to be a victim -- like my stay-at-home mother who felt she could not make it without my father's support. Like you, I too have made some mistakes along the way. I think we all have. I hope DJCA is right in saying that God will bless us with what we are looking for. I certainly am looking for something.
(Im)poster
03-23-2003, 07:00 PM
Originally posted by TAC:
["You can't get love, unless your open to love."
Peace
TAC ..and the risk of pain. Your words are true.
jillbee
03-23-2003, 07:35 PM
I think this is an excellent post. It seems like you are questioning your own belief that you even have a fear of committment which I think is good. I know loads of us do experience this fear (I have too).
I think that if you do not wish to be in a committed relationship, there is nothing wrong with that, you do not have to be in one. Always state your position clearly and if other(s) can't be with that, then that's just how it is.
On the other hand if you are considering this question because you are reconsidering your position, it does not hurt to make new rules and adapt to where you are in your life, if that's what you want. Our ideas of where we want to be change throughout our lives and there are all kinds of relationships. I think accepting that (for me) is growth. Of course when you are in a marriage, it means growing together unless where you are no longer relating to one another. (whole other post I suspect)
Fear of Committment is a label that we've all learned in this day and age. But what if it is not a fear, just where you are? If it is, then we all figure it out and move on when we're ready.
Just my humble and sometimes-too-liberal-for-my-own-good opinion.
Originally posted by Musica:
Thanks for being so open. Hope this will help some understand the actions of others. A few of my male friends have no contact or never knew who their fathers were. The same goes for females that have been abandoned by their mothers which results to a lifetime of problems. Some are aware of their actions and why, while others are just in denial. You're welcome Musica... smile.gif Sharing this little chunk of my life has been quite therapeutic. My goal was to evoke understanding. I can see that, too some degree, I have succeeded.
I was in denial for many years about the negative impact of not knowing my father. I no longer am. I've dealt with the anger and confusion and rejection. My wounds are healing. I will be alright.
-HML
do you know anything about how your father grew up?
(Im)poster
03-23-2003, 07:59 PM
Originally posted by jillbee:
Fear of Committment is a label that we've all learned in this day and age. But what if it is not a fear, just where you are? If it is, then we all figure it out and move on when we're ready.
This is a good point. But in some cases the fear is real -- like when you know the person you love is a good person, stable, mentally and emotionally healthy, and you keep picking at them and thinking of reasons -- small reasons, even -- why a commitment or a marriage would not work.
[ March 23, 2003, 08:03 PM: Message edited by: (Im)poster ]
Shalewa
03-23-2003, 08:10 PM
If at first you don't succeed...
I think a close cousin to the fear of commitment is the fear of not committing. While nit picking a potential partner's flaws real and imagined is not a good plan for happy living, neither is ignoring real differences that may exist between you. Worse yet is marrying someone with the expectation that those differences will be corrected by coersion or conversion.
[ March 23, 2003, 08:37 PM: Message edited by: Shalewa ]
jillbee
03-23-2003, 08:14 PM
Good point, (IM) Poster.
Then maybe it's time for you to see if you can give up all those little things that you keep picking at and see if it works for you without them. Little things, from what I've experienced are sometimes just excuses (as I can tell you already know.) But are they excuses for dealing with a fear of committment or if the relationship just doesn't work for you, that is the question. And I believe that's a choice that you make on your own.
[ March 23, 2003, 08:17 PM: Message edited by: jillbee ]
Originally posted by Shalewa:
If at first you don't succeed...
I think a close cousin to the fear of commitment is the fear of not committing. While nit picking a potential partner's flaws real and imagined is not a good plan for happy living, neither is ignoring real differences that may exist between you. Worse yet is marrying someone with the expectation that those differences will be corrected by coersion or conversion. coersion and conversion, time-honored relationship strategies
Originally posted by RonnieRon:
Damn HML,
Some parts of your story remind me of the things I went through especially the dead beat Dad part. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, I pass no judgement on your life, I hope your commitment situation changes. I have been through some Crummy shit enough to wonder why i never landed in Jail from being so frustrated and pissed off with my Ex wife. Punched many, many, many holes in the wall (Luckily never hit a stud) But still to this day if i was to find the right woman for me i could commit in a second, I have this Everyone is not the same mentality and im willing to give anyone a chance, on the other hand i am very quick to cut off if things dont look right to me i dont believe in waisting valuable time on someting that does not feel right in my heart.
Good post brotha, Keep on Keepin on. RonnieRon, my brother! :D How are you doing? I've been downloading all your mixes from Housecallz.com! I haven't had a chance to listen yet. Over the next few days I will check them out, for sure!! I'm hoping to make it to Frank's Lounge next month for the Freedom & Unity party!! Looking forward to seeing you there, bruh!! Its gon' be a funky, good time!! graemlins/grinyes.gif
Yeah man, sorry to hear you've had to deal with the same crap I went through... My ex used to push my buttons to the limit! We're on one accord there bro. Ronnie, from what I know of you, you're a good brother. Your moms must've done a good job and your pops, well, he missed the opportunity to know, and be proud of, his son... I'm glad you got something from this post! smile.gif
Peace,
HML
(Im)poster
03-23-2003, 09:00 PM
Originally posted by Shalewa:
If at first you don't succeed...
I think a close cousin to the fear of commitment is the fear of not committing. While nit picking a potential partner's flaws real and imagined is not a good plan for happy living, neither is ignoring real differences that may exist between you. Worse yet is marrying someone with the expectation that those differences will be corrected by coersion or conversion. This is true. I did learn from my first "marriage" (10 years of living in sin) that you can't change a person. But even in that case, my eyes were wide open and aware of all the differences -- real problems -- that I knew I would never change. In retrospect, I think I allowed it to go on until I was forced to leave because I knew there wasn't as much at stake as there would have been if I had had someone I believed was really right for me. But then there would have been the other fears of loss, infidelity. The roots of all that still exist and that is what I mean about working it out with myself first.
jillbee
03-23-2003, 09:00 PM
Originally posted by Shalewa:
I think a close cousin to the fear of commitment is the fear of not committing. While nit picking a potential partner's flaws real and imagined is not a good plan for happy living, neither is ignoring real differences that may exist between you. Worse yet is marrying someone with the expectation that those differences will be corrected by coersion or conversion. I agree. Although I think compromises are sometimes necessary in all relationships, why would anyone want to be in a relationship where you have to 'modify your behavior' or your partner does... The compromise should not overshadow the joys of being with another person.
Much respect to you, HML. Happiness...is just around the bend.
see now we've moved to some adult stuff to talk about. And all from my one post.
Somebody has to start sh*t, or we'll talk about drivel all day...
Did I ever tell you about my days as a stripper....Oh boy, don't even let me get started :D
Originally posted by jillbee:
[snip...]why would anyone want to be in a relationship where you have to 'modify your behavior' or your partner does... The compromise should not overshadow the joys of being with another person. Its real weird. Its like, like, if you love the person your with, then you cut out the annoying behavior for their benefit. If eliminating the annoying behavior (or whatever it is that drives your s/o crazy "cuts you into two" (i.e., makes you into someone your not), then that is where the problems come in.
Peace
TAC
Originally posted by girlfriday:
Thank you HML for letting me step into your shoes for this short while. It is funny that you ask for compassion when I am on the path to learning to have more compassion for others. We are all so much the same in our different bodies, it is a shame that a lot of the times we fail to see our similarities.
Thank you for sharing, I am truly humbled with your humility. Perhaps my way to more compassion has been well timed. ;)
ps...I still owe you my MRI story. T,
You are truly welcome! BTW, how'd the shoes fit? lol... ;) Seriously though, I'm glad you gained some insight from my story. Knowing a little of someone's history can definitely help shed judgements. It can also shine a light on why they feel and act a certain way. Once you have that clearer "understanding", sympathy and compassion come subsequently...
-HML
PS - We most definitely have to link up and swap our MRI stories! Are you ready to re-live those claustrophobic moments? http://deephousepage.com/smilies/grinno.gif
jillbee
03-23-2003, 09:40 PM
Originally posted by TAC:
</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by jillbee:
[snip...]why would anyone want to be in a relationship where you have to 'modify your behavior' or your partner does... The compromise should not overshadow the joys of being with another person. Its real weird. Its like, like, if you love the person your with, then you cut out the annoying behavior for their benefit. If eliminating the annoying behavior (or whatever it is that drives your s/o crazy "cuts you into two" (i.e., makes you into someone your not), then that is where the problems come in.
Peace
TAC </font>[/QUOTE]Yep. Indeed. And after it's all over (and during), resentment, resentment, resentment, for giving yourself up. Then (hopefully) lessons learned that it just wasn't meant to be. In a utopian relationship, whether casual or serious... It's all out on the table. You tell it the way it is for you and so do they. You make the compromises you are happy to make. It's constantly adapting. Easier said than done, but sounds good. But you'd have to be really good about giving up all that baggage you learn from your parents, society, etc... Still one can dream.
Originally posted by jillbee:
But you'd have to be really good about giving up all that baggage you learn from your parents, society, etc... Still one can dream. I think this is called life...
Originally posted by jillbee:
</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by TAC:
</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by jillbee:
[snip...]why would anyone want to be in a relationship where you have to 'modify your behavior' or your partner does... The compromise should not overshadow the joys of being with another person. Its real weird. Its like, like, if you love the person your with, then you cut out the annoying behavior for their benefit. If eliminating the annoying behavior (or whatever it is that drives your s/o crazy "cuts you into two" (i.e., makes you into someone your not), then that is where the problems come in.
Peace
TAC </font>[/QUOTE]Yep. Indeed. And after it's all over (and during), resentment, resentment, resentment, for giving yourself up. Then (hopefully) lessons learned that it just wasn't meant to be. In a utopian relationship, whether casual or serious... It's all out on the table. You tell it the way it is for you and so do they. You make the compromises you are happy to make. It's constantly adapting. Easier said than done, but sounds good. But you'd have to be really good about giving up all that baggage you learn from your parents, society, etc... Still one can dream. </font>[/QUOTE]there is a huge range of responses to this kind of resentment, some leave like hml's dad, some stay like hml and fight it out, some do all kinds of crazy stuff like make themselves and everyone around them miserable - for generations
Originally posted by DJCA:
The words are from the heart baby! feeling a little down, need some MUSIC uplift???
Try Alan Kings 1984 from the archives! # 829 I belive. listening to it while cooking and cleaning. IT'S AN UPLIFT WITHIN ITSELF!!!!!! ;) Thanks again DJCA... If you like AK's mixes, you absolutely, positively must go to GOTTAHAVEHOUSE.COM and give his "The Legendary Chosen Few" exclusive mix a listen! Wow!! Its pure ambrosia for the ears!!! graemlins/clap.gif
-HML
JMNYC
03-23-2003, 11:03 PM
great thread.
Although fear was man's first self-defense mechanism, we have evolved to a point where it rules our lives unnecessarily. Read "The Seat of the Soul" by Gary Zukav if you get a chance. It discusses in depth the role of fear in our lives and how to overcome it.
My personal thoughts on the matter (having experienced it myself): in the end, there's nothing to be afraid of, because in the end, every relationship will end from one of the "three D's" : Death, Divorce or Disertion. "Forever" doesn't exist together really... there is a 99% chance that you will eventually be separated for some reason -- but the experience is truly worth it.
Originally posted by mhd:
damn bruh, stay strong, you probably already know that parts of your story are very common, you touched a lot of people with that one, more than you will ever know. good luck, man, the conclusion to your story is yet to be written, the children of your daughters will probably write it mhd,
Sincere thanks for your thoughtful words. I've read many of your posts here on this board. Although I've been in disagreement with you on occasion, I always felt that you are a "straight shooter". You never come across like you're saying things you don't really mean. So, given that context, I greatly appreciate your sentiments...
Peacefully,
HML
PS - To answer your question... No, I know nothing of my father's upbringing.
Originally posted by AK:
Much respect to you, HML. Happiness...is just around the bend. Thanks a bunch, AK. smile.gif I'm still groovin' to your fabulous mix! ;)
-HML
Originally posted by HML:
</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by mhd:
damn bruh, stay strong, you probably already know that parts of your story are very common, you touched a lot of people with that one, more than you will ever know. good luck, man, the conclusion to your story is yet to be written, the children of your daughters will probably write it mhd,
Sincere thanks for your thoughtful words. I've read many of your posts here on this board. Although I've been in disagreement with you on occasion, I always felt that you are a "straight shooter". You never come across like you're saying things you don't really mean. So, given that context, I greatly appreciate your sentiments...
Peacefully,
HML
PS - To answer your question... No, I know nothing of my father's upbringing. </font>[/QUOTE]thank you for your history, we can disagree and still show love. brothers need to talk more cause many cats are lacking something that the next man may have or has gone thru. if we don't discuss this stuff we can all be making the same mistakes instead of putting our heads together.
don't know if you caught "antwoine fisher" check it if you can it will definitely touch you. peace, bruh, and mad props for sharing
(Im)poster
03-24-2003, 07:14 PM
Originally posted by JMNYC:
... in the end, there's nothing to be afraid of, because in the end, every relationship will end from one of the "three D's" : Death, Divorce or Disertion. "Forever" doesn't exist together really... This is such a good point, JMNYC. Something every couple needs to remember. If we could always be mindful of this, I think we might handle our "other" with greater care and strive to enjoy the time as much as possible.
Thanks for starting this thread, HML. Your honesty and openness has resulted in good discussion.
And TAC, yes, you did start it in a sense with your earlier thread. I did not post there, though, because the tone just made me mad. I get tired of black women getting the blame for the problems and also of reading about the "ratio." Focusing on that tends to skew reality for black men and women alike. There might be more of us, but if a man hasn't got a good one, he's still alone, too. Assorted pussy won't satisfy the soul. Sooner or later the playas learn that.
HML's comments are refreshing because it is good to see a brotha doing some soul-searching, too.
Pete Nice
03-24-2003, 07:28 PM
hello hml,
such a good post. i'm surprised that i didn't see you on the same boat. i'm going through that fear of commitment deal myself and it sucks. you should fear and respect what you feel. commitment i think is taken to lightly. think about it.... you are literally giving your life to someone, all of it. the good, bad and the ugly. that should be some heavy sh*t that sends a chill down your spine. what i got most from your post and makes me think is that your damaged.... not in bad way really, but you know you got to make sure your okay. then you can approach the fear from a different angle. you need to be able to act from strength not weakness. and i think the fact that you put this out there says a lot about you, so chances are you're on your way. peace and much luck!
kayotv
03-24-2003, 08:57 PM
I wasn't going to respond to this post, BUT damn you guys are truly mature in seeking out this topic and handling it well. Damn, lots of good points and principles in the thoughts of those who are engaging in this sometimes difficult topic of discussion.
Thank you all. Its good to see that folks really helping each other out. I believe that anyone who reads this post will get something lasting out of it.
thanks again
keith "kayo!"overton
DOTSmusic
03-24-2003, 09:21 PM
One day maybe we will dance again
Under fiery skies
One day maybe you will love again
Love that never dies
One day maybe you will see the land
Touch skin with sand
You've been swimming in the lonely sea
With no company
Oh, don't you want to find?
Can't you hear this beauty in life?
The roads, the highs, breaking up your mind
Can't you hear this beauty in life?
One day maybe you will cry again
Just like a child
You've gotta tie yourself to the mast my friend
And the storm will end
Oh, don't you want to find?
Can't you hear this beauty in life?
The times, the highs, breaking up your mind
Can't you hear this beauty in life?
Oh, you're too afraid to touch
Too afraid you'll like it too much
The roads, the times, breaking up your mind
Can't you hear this beauty in life?
One day maybe I will dance again
One day maybe I will love again
One day maybe we will dance again
You know you've gotta
Tie yourself to the mast my friends
And the storm will end
One day maybe you will love again
You've gotta tie yourself to the mast my friend
And the storm will end
The Verve: One Day
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