2007 Darwin Awards

[Moksha]

Yes, it's again that magical time of the year when the Darwin Awards are bestowed,
honoring the least-evolved among us.

And the glorious Winner for 2007 is:

1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim
during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James
Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the
barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, the Honorable Mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting
machine and submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company
expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself.
He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was
approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car
during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman
had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver
found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting
from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his
incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone
waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the
mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable
and prone to bizarre fantasies.
The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. A Texas teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head
wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the
injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close
he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the
counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer,
the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which
the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and
fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he
got from the drawer: $15.

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that
he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some
booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his
head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be
thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was
made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man
grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the
woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher.
Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the
car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car
and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, 'Yes,
officer, that's her.
That's the lady I stole the purse from.'

9. The Ann Arbor Michigan News crime column reported that a man walked
into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan, at 5a.m., flashed a gun,
and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't
open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion
rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man,
frustrated, walked away.

******THE 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER*****

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on
a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived
at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near
spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying
to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's
sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press
charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd had in a very long time.

[dj-chefron]

My nominee is Mike Huckabee who if elected plan on amending the Constitution to reflect gods will.


BILL of SMITES

Preamble

Faithful and patriotic Americans, having come to realize that our country is going to hell in a hand-basket, and expressing a desire to curtail the degeneracy and wickedness creeping across the land, recognize that salvation requires the prompt ratification of the following Commandments derived from Holy Scripture; that they be inserted before Article I of the Constitution; and upon ratification shall in every case supersede all Articles or Amendments with which they may conflict; and that, moreover and furthermore, every reference in said Constitution to the "United States of America" shall be replaced by the "Dominion of America."

Commandment I

Congress shall strike down the free exercise of any religion that has not been approved by the most sanctified committee on Fidelity, Uprightness, Behaving And Reeducation; and at all times prohibit the free speech of atheists, pagans and other blasphemers who deny the Divinity of Our Redeemer; or who say bad words publicly or when eavesdropped on in their homes.

Commandment II

No Senator or Representative shall approve legislation, attend hearings or committee meetings or otherwise appear in the hallowed halls of Congress, not even the lobby, when she is in the midst of her monthlies, for this be unclean; nor shall she return until after the passage of seven days from the onset of this disgusting condition as determined by the sergeant-at-arms of the House of Representatives or such other delegate as shall be chosen by the most sanctified committee on Fidelity, Uprightness, Behaving And Reeducation; nor shall any member whose belly be swollen by pregnancy remind us of the act that caused this condition by appearing publicly in any official capacity whatsoever; nor when she has borne the child shall she nurse it within 500 feet of a federal building.

Commandment III

Any state, county, municipality, town, village or settlement which grants licenses for the legal coupling of abomination, whether this be two men together or two women, shall be considered in rebellion against the Dominion of America and occupied forthwith by soldiers, be they military or mercenary; and deprived without delay of all federal budgetary earmarks; and be subject to year-round scolding until such time as it shall publicly recant; and be made to suffer additional repercussions to be determined by the most sanctified committee on Fidelity, Uprightness, Behaving And Reeducation.

Commandment IV

The teaching of Darwinism, Big Bang physics, geologic time scales, and any other such ludicrous theories shall not be tolerated no matter what scientists say, even the Christian ones.

Commandment V

No book, film, tape recording, video, DVD, CD, visual or audio download, hologram, or any other digital package in whatever technological format invented prior to the Rapture which fails to obtain a Godly rating from the most sanctified committee on Fidelity, Uprightness, Behaving And Reeducation shall be manufactured, shipped, sold, traded, gifted, viewed or listened to excepting only by members of the most sanctified committee on Fidelity, Uprightness, Behaving And Reeducation.

Commandment VI

Tax deductions of no kind shall be afforded to people who refuse to say their prayers every day.

Commandment VII

Any woman who does the nasty with a man not her husband shall be delivered to a public place where she shall be put to death by the throwing of rocks or other suitable objects; and the same thing shall be done to a man who does the nasty with a man, or a woman with a woman, or anybody with a dog or a sheep; and the same for a man who does the nasty with another man’s wife, unless the wife is married to the man’s uncle, or to his brother; but any man who forces an unmarried woman without a boyfriend to do the nasty with him must pay her father for damages and marry her and not divorce her forever.

Commandment VIII

No court or classroom or legislature or fire station or restaurant or hotel or health spa or hospital or tavern or movie theater or real estate office or car dealership or tourist dive shall be licensed unless it has prominently posted a copy of the Ten Commandments as given by God to Moses on Mount Sinai, nor shall such copy be smaller than 3 feet by 5 feet.

Commandment IX

People who show up to vote marked by tattoos or strange haircuts, or who have trimmed their beards into roundness, or have shaved their heads, or who wear clothes of mixed textiles shall be disfranchised; and shall lose their eligibility to apply for government-backed student loans; nor shall they be allowed mortgage-interest deductions; and they shall forfeit their Social Security.

Commandment X

People who says bad things about God, as determined by the most sanctified committee on Fidelity, Uprightness, Behaving And Reeducation shall be taken to a public place where their mouths will be scrubbed with soap and faithful patriots shall throw rocks and other suitable objects at them until they die.

Commandment XI

No woman who conceives a child shall under any circumstances for any reason, including the prospect of certain death, remove the child or have it removed by any means whatsoever; and any woman who claims that she miscarried shall be physically inspected, have her habits evaluated, and be tested by means of polygraph under the supervision of the most sanctified committee on Fidelity, Uprightness, Behaving And Reeducation, which, if it deems appropriate, shall deliver her up for punishment as set forth in Commandment VII.

Commandment XII

The 13th, 14th and 15th Amendments to the Constitution are hereby repealed. Slavery is okay. The Bible says so.

[E-Phi]

I laughed out loud at a few of these (the orig post) :lol:
Lemme read the next one...

[The Crazy Life That Is Alarick T]

Yes, it's again that magical time of the year when the Darwin Awards are bestowed,
honoring the least-evolved among us.

And the glorious Winner for 2007 is:

1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim
during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James
Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the
barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, the Honorable Mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting
machine and submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company
expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself.
He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was
approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car
during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman
had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver
found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting
from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his
incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone
waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the
mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable
and prone to bizarre fantasies.
The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. A Texas teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head
wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the
injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close
he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the
counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer,
the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which
the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and
fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he
got from the drawer: $15.

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that
he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some
booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his
head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be
thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was
made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man
grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the
woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher.
Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the
car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car
and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, 'Yes,
officer, that's her.
That's the lady I stole the purse from.'

9. The Ann Arbor Michigan News crime column reported that a man walked
into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan, at 5a.m., flashed a gun,
and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't
open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion
rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man,
frustrated, walked away.

******THE 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER*****

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on
a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived
at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near
spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying
to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's
sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press
charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd had in a very long time.

:rofl5:

[E-Phi]

:rofl5:
The bad thing is that #3 is usually true in Chicago. Especially if it's wet snow. :cussing:

[The Buddy Love Show]

Yes, it's again that magical time of the year when the Darwin Awards are bestowed,
honoring the least-evolved among us.


4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver
found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting
from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his
incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone
waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the
mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable
and prone to bizarre fantasies.
The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.


6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the
counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer,
the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which
the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and
fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he
got from the drawer: $15.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man
grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the
woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher.
Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the
car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car
and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, 'Yes,
officer, that's her.
That's the lady I stole the purse from.'



LMFAO

[MYOR]

******THE 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER*****

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on
a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived
at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near
spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying
to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's
sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press
charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd had in a very long time.

Ohh my:rofl5::rofl5:

[ProvocativeElement]

I think this is my fav . . .


4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver
found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting
from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his
incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone
waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the
mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable
and prone to bizarre fantasies.
The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days

hi-effing-larious!

[The Real Dragonfly Jones]

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver
found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting
from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his
incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone
waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the
mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable
and prone to bizarre fantasies.
The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

This man doesn't belong on this list. He's obviously a genius.



6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the
counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer,
the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which
the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and
fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he
got from the drawer: $15.


If this isn't the perfect "Stay in School" ad, I don't know what is.

[KBig]

Moksie...this shyt is beyond funny



this shyt is :rofl5: