BHouse
02-13-2008, 08:21 PM
For the past couple weeks, I have seen this very attractive woman on the train. We always make eye contact, but I have never spoke because everytime I see her I am not looking my best. So this morning, I make it a priority to look extra sharp. I put on a pair of Kenneth Cole slacks. Polish up my shoes. Put on my grey wool coat and my ever present shades. Today is the day. I get on the redline headed downtown and she is nowhere to be found so I fall asleep. The train is crowded. I am sleep when all of a sudden I am awakened by someone yelling/rapping the most vulgar, ghetto, ebonics, wannabe 2pac lyrics... "GODDAMN... CUT YOU WIT MY KNIFE... THAT'S RITE... THUGLIFE... MUTHAFUCKAS... SHIT IZ REAL IN THE VILLE... BITCH AZZ NIGGAS I WANNA KILL... STILL... MY FINGER ON THE TRIGGER..." Then he breaks out into this Bone Thugz-n-Harmony / Twista undecipherable, mish mash singing...
I look down the isle and its this young raggedy azz, homeless man looking to be no older than 22yrs old standing there with this dusty ass fake mink coat on... Old women look on in horror. Clutching their pearls. Purses tucked tighter underneath their armpits. Even the men are like this mofo is crazy... Two young women near me begin to laugh to themselves... I whisper to women, "I wish this muthfucka would take that wooly mammoth of a coat and shut the fuck up..." They thought they would die laughing...
His horrible rap lyrics continue until he stops mid sentence then as if his split personality takes control, his voice and demeanor changes entirely. Almost sounding like a young Barack Obama, he says "Spare change... Spare change... Can any of you fione ladies and gentlemen spare any change... I am in dire need of food... Nutrition if you will... I have not eaten in a couple of days and I very much would like to purchase some groceries..." I mean this brother spoke as if his name was Carlton from the Fresh Prince of Belair. I was in total shock... So now the two women and I look at each other in amazement. No one moves a muscle. Once again, in the most intelligent, scholarly voice he says... "Please ladies and gentlemen I need whatever change you may have so that I might buy some much needed items from the local grocery store..."
He is making his way down the isle. By this time I am standing because my stop is coming up. Still no gives him any money. "I AM IMPOTANT..." he yells... Did this muthafucka just yell he is important on a crowded train... "I AM IMPOTANT... THAT'S RIGHT... IMPOTANT... I CAN'T GET IT UP... I CAN'T GET MY DICK HARD..." The look on the old women faces were priceless. Shocked. "I NEED SOME VIAGRA..." Now he is standing next to me. My stop can't get here quick enough. He looks at me... Up then down. Down then up. He reaches in his pocket. Oh lawd have mercy he go cut me... He pulls out a piece of paper and gives it to me... I don't know why I took the paper. Some sort of reflex I guess. Anyway, the train stops and the doors open. My exit. I step out on the platform and walk away quickly. When I am a safe distance away I unfold the piece of paper and WTF. Its the guys name and telephone number...!!! Did he have his number all ready written down for the first nice guy he ran across...? Has seen me before on the train...? Did he wait for me to look good one day to make his move...? Do I look gay...? WTF.
I look down the isle and its this young raggedy azz, homeless man looking to be no older than 22yrs old standing there with this dusty ass fake mink coat on... Old women look on in horror. Clutching their pearls. Purses tucked tighter underneath their armpits. Even the men are like this mofo is crazy... Two young women near me begin to laugh to themselves... I whisper to women, "I wish this muthfucka would take that wooly mammoth of a coat and shut the fuck up..." They thought they would die laughing...
His horrible rap lyrics continue until he stops mid sentence then as if his split personality takes control, his voice and demeanor changes entirely. Almost sounding like a young Barack Obama, he says "Spare change... Spare change... Can any of you fione ladies and gentlemen spare any change... I am in dire need of food... Nutrition if you will... I have not eaten in a couple of days and I very much would like to purchase some groceries..." I mean this brother spoke as if his name was Carlton from the Fresh Prince of Belair. I was in total shock... So now the two women and I look at each other in amazement. No one moves a muscle. Once again, in the most intelligent, scholarly voice he says... "Please ladies and gentlemen I need whatever change you may have so that I might buy some much needed items from the local grocery store..."
He is making his way down the isle. By this time I am standing because my stop is coming up. Still no gives him any money. "I AM IMPOTANT..." he yells... Did this muthafucka just yell he is important on a crowded train... "I AM IMPOTANT... THAT'S RIGHT... IMPOTANT... I CAN'T GET IT UP... I CAN'T GET MY DICK HARD..." The look on the old women faces were priceless. Shocked. "I NEED SOME VIAGRA..." Now he is standing next to me. My stop can't get here quick enough. He looks at me... Up then down. Down then up. He reaches in his pocket. Oh lawd have mercy he go cut me... He pulls out a piece of paper and gives it to me... I don't know why I took the paper. Some sort of reflex I guess. Anyway, the train stops and the doors open. My exit. I step out on the platform and walk away quickly. When I am a safe distance away I unfold the piece of paper and WTF. Its the guys name and telephone number...!!! Did he have his number all ready written down for the first nice guy he ran across...? Has seen me before on the train...? Did he wait for me to look good one day to make his move...? Do I look gay...? WTF.