Insecurities and Jealousy

[richierich]

How do people manage a relationship when they are extremely insecure??? I don't see how a person can be so insecure about their relationships and keep peace. If you're that worried about your sig-o leaving you or being macked by someone else..maybe you should just be by yourself. You have no control over what she/he might do so worrying about it will only give you grey hairs and give your partner the impression that you don't trust them. There are guys that I know that can't even stand when another guy looks at their woman and actually want to talk crazy to the woman because someone is checking her out. In the same breath the woman thinks it's cute. There are people dead or locked up because of a "crime of passion". Is it that serious? Are you the jealous, insecure type??? For me it is a compliment to something that I'd already know..the girl is hot and she's with me..thank you for the comlpiment. My ex used to get pissed or make sly remarks because damn near everywher we went I would run into someone that I knew not always a female. She said that I was the Mayor and always say shit like "who's he/she another one of your fans? I thought her to be jealous of the fact that I knew people and she always wanted me to herself..always.
Peace

[ November 19, 2003, 11:17 AM: Message edited by: richierich ]

[MYOR]

Your just so popular.. ;)

Some people just can't handle it.. graemlins/conf44.gif

[TonyB]

Good post Rich. I too have wondered the same thing. I happen to know someone who fits this profile and truly wonder does he even know that his insecurities are more his problem than hers. In all the time I've known him, I've been able to see where this problem contributes to the detriment of their relationship. This has been an on-going battle for them, and at times, he has tried to bring me in the middle of all the madness. As his friend, it pains me to see his problem for what it is, yet know that he fails to see it for himself. I only offer advice when it is asked of me, and even then, I am very careful as to what I say to him. Sometimes, I just want to grab the brother, shake him, and ask him to grow the f@ck up! Other times, I just don't want to be bothered.

I also was involved and almost married an insecure, jealous woman. We could be out somewhere having a great time, and the next thing you know, she's accusing me of lusting after some other woman in the room or same vicinity as us. I would tell her that if I truly wanted to 'creep' or be with someone else, I would have left her home that night, which would have allowed me to step to as many ladies as I pleased, as oppossed to taking her out. I notice women, but when I'm out with a lady, she is my primary focus. That relationship ended due to the energy he took out of me from constantly defending myself. The problem was not me, but her insecurities.

The bottom line is --- those that take issue with their significant other having friends or sharing conversation with the opposite sex need to take self-inventory to discover why they have these insecure feelings, and how they can go about making the neccessary changes to make both parties comfortable.

[Bold Soul]

Good points...but society supports the total opposite of the wisdom richierich and Tony broke down.

There is a great amount of courage required to live life in the way you describe. Problem is, we don't support the courageous. We coddle the weak.

[MYOR]

Good post Rich. I too have wondered the same thing. I happen to know someone who fits this profile and truly wonder does he even know that his insecurities are more his problem than hers. In all the time I've known him, I've been able to see where this problem contributes to the detriment of their relationship. This has been an on-going battle for them, and at times, he has tried to bring me in the middle of all the madness. As his friend, it pains me to see his problem for what it is, yet know that he fails to see it for himself. I only offer advice when it is asked of me, and even then, I am very careful as to what I say to him. Sometimes, I just want to grab the brother, shake him, and ask him to grow the f@ck up! Other times, I just don't want to be bothered. See as a friend I always tell them WTF you are bugging.. Of course sometimes they don't want to hear this get mad at me or whatever.. But I'm your friend and I'm going to tell you like it is.. As I expect you to do the same..

[VEESTER]

There is nothing you can do about another person's insecurities. You can choose to deal with it or not. After a while I choose not to. I dated someone who was real insecure and jealous. If I wanted to do something without them with my friends there was always the response, "o' you on some sh*t blah!blah!blah!" They wanted all my time and I couldn't deal with that. I never and I mean never gave this person any reason to be behave in such a way but I realized I didn't have to because this person was this way before we entered into a relationship. This person also tried to pass off their insecurities on me, like they would make negative comments on my weight or how I was dressed and I admit for a second it made me question myself. I quickly snapped out of that because I realized what this person was trying to do to me and it was very unhealthy. This person meant me no good.

[TonyB]

Originally posted by VEESTER:
There is nothing you can do about another person's insecurities. You can choose to deal with it or not. No truer words can be spoken on this subject!

[Larissa J.]

When starting a relationship oftentimes, there is a lack of communication and understanding. Dishonesty leads to insecurities and jealousy.


Dancing is the root of my passion.

[Edmund White]

Originally posted by Larissa J.:
When starting a relationship oftentimes, there is a lack of communication and understanding. Dishonesty leads to insecurities and jealousy.


Dancing is the root of my passion. I had a college girlfriend who was very insecure about herself. Despite my reassurances that she was pretty and intelligent, nothing was able to combat her low opinion of herself and desirability.....

She let her biggest fear consume her. We were on other sides of the country, and she was so concerned that I would cheat on her that she enabled herself to "preemptively cheat"! She did it to ease her suspicions about me, even though I gave her no reason to question my faithfulness. Despie my efforts to make her comfy, she ended up sabotaging our relationship. VEESTER is right; there's nothing you can do to change someone's opinion of themself.

[Pete Nice]

nice post....
i'm guilty of being the insecure one. took time out and some inventory. i literally avoiding being in any serious relationship for two years or so. got tired of being "that" guy. had to sit on the sideline and watch other people play that crap head game out. it was very disturbing to think this is how i made people feel. it's bad too waster your own, but to take someone along with you.... that's worse. when they are willing to invest their life into you, you owe them to walk away. danny you're on point as usaul. but now i'm to the point where i believe i'm ready to move and be decent... respectful of how i make someone else feel. peace!

[richierich]

Maybe 11 yrs. ago I was insecure in a relationship. She was 11 yrs. my junior and I had the stupid notion that because of the age difference that she would want to deal with someone closer to her own age that had more in common with her. Little did I know that those younger cats couldn't hold a candle to the love and lovin' I was puttin' down on this woman. She really genuinely loved me and did everything to sow it. I soon snapped out of this and had to realize that I was actually setting standards that couldn't be matched by a young rookie. :D

[ November 19, 2003, 02:12 PM: Message edited by: richierich ]

[shannoneileen]

Originally posted by VEESTER:
There is nothing you can do about another person's insecurities. You can choose to deal with it or not. After a while I choose not to. I dated someone who was real insecure and jealous. If I wanted to do something without them with my friends there was always the response, "o' you on some sh*t blah!blah!blah!" They wanted all my time and I couldn't deal with that. I never and I mean never gave this person any reason to be behave in such a way but I realized I didn't have to because this person was this way before we entered into a relationship. This person also tried to pass off their insecurities on me, like they would make negative comments on my weight or how I was dressed and I admit for a second it made me question myself. I quickly snapped out of that because I realized what this person was trying to do to me and it was very unhealthy. This person meant me no good. graemlins/respekt.gif
good post...

[ngeso]

i'm not the jealous type.

more precisely, jealousy - along with envy and closedfistedness - constitutes my all time top cardinal, deadly sin.

at some point or other i invariably ended up having fundamental problems in relationships with women, who were supremely jealous by nature, and were stuck with a guy who would not have any of it. in remembrance, my formative experience with the love of my life (you know: that one person in your life, that was yours, that you had to loose, that you love eternally and to no end, that is positioned up on your elysian pedestal) was marred by her progressing capacity for jealousy, and my inability to understand her sentiment, the more jealous she got.

i thought this was how things were meant to be, and women are like that blah-blah-blah, and just stick-and-move. i due process, i ended up without one single, however tiny, non-endangering, goodwilled, genuine relationship to someone of the opposite gender, because she chased anything wearing a skirt out of my field of vision. and the more i pandered to her insecurities, the worse it got. in the end i was this betrodden, neck-bowed, totally tensed-up idiot, that ran around trying to avoid any kind of confrontation that would stand up to her runaway fear of her guy being distracted by another female bar her.

mind you: during our relationship she did have a brief affair, that i sat out quietly, without trying to aggravate, without breaking the other guy's kneecaps, without setting her free. we survived for another three years after that.

my S.O. now is ten years my junior, she's supremely jealous herself, and i have to constantly keep her in check by bringing up my past experience with the sentiment, and that i will not bend for one second if push comes to shove. jealousy is my never-healing war-wound. but these days i'm really chuffed, that i can ask another woman out for a cup of coffee or a couple of beers, and not feel guilty. of some imagined, insecure bullsh*t that i never imagined, much less actually do.

jealousy is a pain in the a**.

peace. ngeso.

[ November 19, 2003, 02:39 PM: Message edited by: ngeso ]