Mah'chew
06-10-2003, 07:59 PM
[int. advertising agency. AG, CH and M1 are sat around a conference table]
CH So - what do we know about our new Creative Director, then?
AG He is forthright. He doesn't pull his punches. Put it like this; he's the best man for the job.
[the door bursts open - after being kicked - and HE storms in]
HE 'EY UP!
[CH ang AG spring to their feet in surprise]
HE Don't stand up - I 'aven't farted, y'know!
[pause as HE puts his briefcase down on the table]
HE Right. The name's George Whitebread. I'm a Yorkshireman. Plain-speaking. I say what I like, an' I like what I bloody well say!
[HE suddenly notices M1 - who happens to be black...]
HE 'ey up, son - you'll never play fer Yorkshire! (No offence!)
[HE notices something dangling behind CH's head - it's a ponytail]
HE What 'AVE we got, 'ere? My little PONY!
[HE reaches round and gives it a few tugs]
HE Ding-ding-ding-ding! Anyone at 'OME? I don't think so! He-he! (No offence!)
CH That's good - I love the attititude.
HE Eh? Ooh - bums against the walls, lads - there's a PUFF in town! (No offence!)
[CH swivels away from HE in annoyance]
HE Right! What 'ave you got for me, then?
[HE sits down as CH gets up and walks over to the nobo board]
CH Right, now as you know, I've been working on the bank campaign, and I've come up with what I call my egg theory.
[CH flips a page over, to reveal different views and types of egg]
CH This is based on our analysis, that shows that what people want from a bank is on the one hand, something dependable, solid like the shell of the egg, and on the other hand something soft, reassuring, sympathetic like the yolk inside...
[HE has been shaking his head in disbelief for some time...]
HE What the BLOODY 'ELL are you goin' on about? I've TWO WORDS to say to that: SHITE!
[slight pause]
CH Er, what's the other one?
HE SHITE!
In YORKSHIRE, that'd go down as well a fifteen stone TART in't back o' MINI! (No offence, love!)
AG My name is Marjorie Wallace, and I'm the Financial Controller!
HE Oh, that's lovely, dear - now run along an' make us a cup o' tea, would ya?
[AG glares at him, and HE confides in an aside to CH...]
HE Face like a bulldog chewin' a wasp, eh?
[slight pause]
CH Er, look - I'm sorry, but Marjorie happens to be my girlfriend.
HE Oh, don't apologize, lad - we've all made mistakes!
[slight pause as CH swivels around again in a huff]
HE Right, this BANK ad - I've done me OWN! Close up on a man. Real man. (No offence, pal!)
[another turn of the head from CH. HE turns to address camera directly...]
HE A YORKSHIREman! "Open a bank account at the Northern Bank, an' ya get a free packet of LARD!"
[HE holds up some lard, and freezes a smile for the camera]
HE Right - I've got one for that slimmin'
campaign: FAT lass, right? Standin' on't weight-scales, holdin' 'er spare tyre. She's goin', "Oh, dear - look at this!" Bloke sez, "Never mind, love - somethin' to get
'HOLD of!"
[HE walks behind F1, grabs hold of AG and bounces her up and down]
HE "Let's get pissed..."
AG Ooh!
HE "... an' 'ave some lard sandwiches!"
[slight pause as HE lets go]
HE Right - 'nother one, right? Fer that bread campaign.
[HE fishes in his briefcase, pulls out a loaf and address camera again]
HE "Eat white bread - wi' nowt farted about with. Don't be a puff, eat WHITE bread!"
AG I'm terribly sorry, but... I just don't think they have quite the right, well...sophistication.
HE Sophistication? SOPHISTICATION? Don't talk to me about sophistic-ation, love - I've been to Leeds.
[slight pause as HE pulls out a jar of coffee]
HE Right, I've done one o' them coffee ads, right? Y'know, wi' bloke an'
tarty bit from next-door. You can play tarty bit.
[HE hands AG a script]
HE (I know it's miscastin', love - but you'll 'ave t' do, eh?) Right - can ya read, love?
AG Yes!
HE (Clever little lass, in't she?) Right - come on, then - up with ya! Eh, eh?
AG Oh!
HE Ooh, eh? Bloke an' tarty bit are in bed, right? He starts; he goes, "Ee, that were a right good SHAG, love! Lucky we 'ad all that COFFEE..."
[HE helpfully shoves the jar right in front of the camera]
HE "... otherwise I never would'a been able to keep it up after fifteen
pints!" She sez...
AG Er, "fancy another?"
HE What, another COFFEE?
[AG sighs, resignedly]
AG No, another shag.
H
E Eh? All right - I'll get the LARD!
[HE grabs hold of a surprised AG and starts snogging her...]
CH So - what do we know about our new Creative Director, then?
AG He is forthright. He doesn't pull his punches. Put it like this; he's the best man for the job.
[the door bursts open - after being kicked - and HE storms in]
HE 'EY UP!
[CH ang AG spring to their feet in surprise]
HE Don't stand up - I 'aven't farted, y'know!
[pause as HE puts his briefcase down on the table]
HE Right. The name's George Whitebread. I'm a Yorkshireman. Plain-speaking. I say what I like, an' I like what I bloody well say!
[HE suddenly notices M1 - who happens to be black...]
HE 'ey up, son - you'll never play fer Yorkshire! (No offence!)
[HE notices something dangling behind CH's head - it's a ponytail]
HE What 'AVE we got, 'ere? My little PONY!
[HE reaches round and gives it a few tugs]
HE Ding-ding-ding-ding! Anyone at 'OME? I don't think so! He-he! (No offence!)
CH That's good - I love the attititude.
HE Eh? Ooh - bums against the walls, lads - there's a PUFF in town! (No offence!)
[CH swivels away from HE in annoyance]
HE Right! What 'ave you got for me, then?
[HE sits down as CH gets up and walks over to the nobo board]
CH Right, now as you know, I've been working on the bank campaign, and I've come up with what I call my egg theory.
[CH flips a page over, to reveal different views and types of egg]
CH This is based on our analysis, that shows that what people want from a bank is on the one hand, something dependable, solid like the shell of the egg, and on the other hand something soft, reassuring, sympathetic like the yolk inside...
[HE has been shaking his head in disbelief for some time...]
HE What the BLOODY 'ELL are you goin' on about? I've TWO WORDS to say to that: SHITE!
[slight pause]
CH Er, what's the other one?
HE SHITE!
In YORKSHIRE, that'd go down as well a fifteen stone TART in't back o' MINI! (No offence, love!)
AG My name is Marjorie Wallace, and I'm the Financial Controller!
HE Oh, that's lovely, dear - now run along an' make us a cup o' tea, would ya?
[AG glares at him, and HE confides in an aside to CH...]
HE Face like a bulldog chewin' a wasp, eh?
[slight pause]
CH Er, look - I'm sorry, but Marjorie happens to be my girlfriend.
HE Oh, don't apologize, lad - we've all made mistakes!
[slight pause as CH swivels around again in a huff]
HE Right, this BANK ad - I've done me OWN! Close up on a man. Real man. (No offence, pal!)
[another turn of the head from CH. HE turns to address camera directly...]
HE A YORKSHIREman! "Open a bank account at the Northern Bank, an' ya get a free packet of LARD!"
[HE holds up some lard, and freezes a smile for the camera]
HE Right - I've got one for that slimmin'
campaign: FAT lass, right? Standin' on't weight-scales, holdin' 'er spare tyre. She's goin', "Oh, dear - look at this!" Bloke sez, "Never mind, love - somethin' to get
'HOLD of!"
[HE walks behind F1, grabs hold of AG and bounces her up and down]
HE "Let's get pissed..."
AG Ooh!
HE "... an' 'ave some lard sandwiches!"
[slight pause as HE lets go]
HE Right - 'nother one, right? Fer that bread campaign.
[HE fishes in his briefcase, pulls out a loaf and address camera again]
HE "Eat white bread - wi' nowt farted about with. Don't be a puff, eat WHITE bread!"
AG I'm terribly sorry, but... I just don't think they have quite the right, well...sophistication.
HE Sophistication? SOPHISTICATION? Don't talk to me about sophistic-ation, love - I've been to Leeds.
[slight pause as HE pulls out a jar of coffee]
HE Right, I've done one o' them coffee ads, right? Y'know, wi' bloke an'
tarty bit from next-door. You can play tarty bit.
[HE hands AG a script]
HE (I know it's miscastin', love - but you'll 'ave t' do, eh?) Right - can ya read, love?
AG Yes!
HE (Clever little lass, in't she?) Right - come on, then - up with ya! Eh, eh?
AG Oh!
HE Ooh, eh? Bloke an' tarty bit are in bed, right? He starts; he goes, "Ee, that were a right good SHAG, love! Lucky we 'ad all that COFFEE..."
[HE helpfully shoves the jar right in front of the camera]
HE "... otherwise I never would'a been able to keep it up after fifteen
pints!" She sez...
AG Er, "fancy another?"
HE What, another COFFEE?
[AG sighs, resignedly]
AG No, another shag.
H
E Eh? All right - I'll get the LARD!
[HE grabs hold of a surprised AG and starts snogging her...]