mdpm99
04-25-2003, 03:00 PM
How to be a conservative:
Here are tips, organized in a checklist style, for anyone who wants to try being conservative.
Close your mind
- - - Don't bother with any sort of gray area. Remember that there are only two positions to every argument: Your stance, and the wrong stance.
Be very patriotic
- - - Pat yourself on the back regularly to congratulate yourself for being so patriotic and loving America so much. Then attack those exercising their Constitutional rights. Its not your fault if a bunch of America-hating communists want to trash your country and you run them over with your SUV. No court in the country will convict you (not once W gets done fixing the judicial system, at least).
Stop questioning authority
- - - Just shut up. Bush is a great man and he is concerned with your security and well being. That's why he goes on vacation each weekend after starting a war. He is tired from being such a hero and working so hard. Besides, you are very intelligent, and if he were really evil or incompetent, you would not have voted for him. When he said he was a compassionate conservative, he must have been telling the truth. Otherwise, that would mean he is a liar. And that would mean you voted for a liar. That would make you a liar. You are not a liar. It would also make you wrong. And remember: you are never wrong.
Realize that the media is biased against you
- - - So what if those damn America-hating commies get 10,000 people to show up at their anti-America rallies. Why does the news focus on them and not you and three of your drunken, mulleted friends holding up signs about supporting the troops? I will tell you why: Bias. The media is very liberal and hates your good, conservative, American values. All those companies that own the media, the ones that donate to the Republican party and refuse to broadcast the horrible truth about Bush? They want to be more unbiased, but its all those evil reporters. Plus, you are underrepresented in talk radio and debate TV shows. Sure, you have Rush, Dr Laura, Michael Savage, Sean Hannity, Brit Hume, Bill OReiley... but the left has... well, ... the left has... well, the media has a liberal bias. Just trust me.
Congratulate yourself for being a good Christian
- - - So what if Christ never said anything about pre-emptive wars, supporting greed, or screwing over the poor. That was all crazy talk. It was Satan trying to get the best of him. Remember that, above all, you have accepted Jesus Christ as your savior. That means that you are guaranteed to go to heaven. Unless you speak out against Bush. But why would you do that? You are conservative. As long as you accept Christ and Bush as your saviors, then you get to go to heaven. Don't waste your time being a good person. Christ taught us that life is all about material possessions, accumulating wealth, and keeping it from getting into the hands of those lazy, welfare collecting slobs.
Accuse Clinton of everything wrong in your life
- - - From 9/11 to your wife leaving you because you are, according to the divorce papers she filed, a "fat, lazy, know-nothing sh*thead." Its all Bill Clinton's fault. Remember, he was one of the worst presidents in American history
Support Bush no matter what
- - - This can be hard. You may hear some wild stuff about something called "PNAC." Forget it. What's wrong with American world dominance? So what if this indicates that Bush wanted 9/11 to happen so he could justify a war on anyone who would fight (and some who wouldn't). That is just liberal spin. And forget about calls to impeach Bush for being a failure and abusing his position to further his buddies business interests. Dick Cheney still has contacts with Haliburton and receives hundreds of thousands of dollars a year from them. That doesn't imply a conflict of interest. Remember: Bill Clinton is an evil man who murdered Vince Foster, and is a serial rapist. Impeaching Clinton was every American's patriotic duty. Impeaching Bush is treason, and should be punishable by death.
Abortion is Murder.
- - - Remember this. Abortion is wrong. Nothing is more important than the sanctity of human life.
Murder is not Murder
- - - There is nothing wrong with killing an entire race of people if they are in the way of your imperialistic desires. Nothing is more important than the acquisition of natural resources.
Liberals, Muslims, and foreigners are evil
- - - They have lost their way. They need to be corrected. This can be achieved through one of two ways. Either conversion to Christianity, or mass genocide. Either would be a monument to God that would last thousands of years.
Stop thinking critically
- - - The administration will do this for you. If you need talking points, just feel free to fire up one of the many radio shows broadcasting the truth. If you need to know something, the administration will tell you. Do not trust anything that does not come from anyone endorsed by the Conservative movement. They are liars, and must be corrected. If someone tells you something contradictory to what you have heard from the administration, please refer or report them to a re-education center, or they will be arrested for thought crimes.
Tax cuts are good
- - - As long as they are for the very rich. One thing the "corporate corruption," as the liberal media likes to call it, has pointed out is that corporations and CEOs have a strong sense of patriotic duty. They will gladly pay taxes to the US and treat their workers well before taking benefits for themselves. A free market allows for the most freedom. These people who have been wrongly accused of "cooking the books" were just illustrating and exercising their rights in a free-market society, and are truly great patriots.
Ok, I gotta stop. This is even starting to scare me. I feel better for now. All I needed was a good, cynical way to vent.
Your thoughts?
Any suggestions for points I may have missed?
Here are tips, organized in a checklist style, for anyone who wants to try being conservative.
Close your mind
- - - Don't bother with any sort of gray area. Remember that there are only two positions to every argument: Your stance, and the wrong stance.
Be very patriotic
- - - Pat yourself on the back regularly to congratulate yourself for being so patriotic and loving America so much. Then attack those exercising their Constitutional rights. Its not your fault if a bunch of America-hating communists want to trash your country and you run them over with your SUV. No court in the country will convict you (not once W gets done fixing the judicial system, at least).
Stop questioning authority
- - - Just shut up. Bush is a great man and he is concerned with your security and well being. That's why he goes on vacation each weekend after starting a war. He is tired from being such a hero and working so hard. Besides, you are very intelligent, and if he were really evil or incompetent, you would not have voted for him. When he said he was a compassionate conservative, he must have been telling the truth. Otherwise, that would mean he is a liar. And that would mean you voted for a liar. That would make you a liar. You are not a liar. It would also make you wrong. And remember: you are never wrong.
Realize that the media is biased against you
- - - So what if those damn America-hating commies get 10,000 people to show up at their anti-America rallies. Why does the news focus on them and not you and three of your drunken, mulleted friends holding up signs about supporting the troops? I will tell you why: Bias. The media is very liberal and hates your good, conservative, American values. All those companies that own the media, the ones that donate to the Republican party and refuse to broadcast the horrible truth about Bush? They want to be more unbiased, but its all those evil reporters. Plus, you are underrepresented in talk radio and debate TV shows. Sure, you have Rush, Dr Laura, Michael Savage, Sean Hannity, Brit Hume, Bill OReiley... but the left has... well, ... the left has... well, the media has a liberal bias. Just trust me.
Congratulate yourself for being a good Christian
- - - So what if Christ never said anything about pre-emptive wars, supporting greed, or screwing over the poor. That was all crazy talk. It was Satan trying to get the best of him. Remember that, above all, you have accepted Jesus Christ as your savior. That means that you are guaranteed to go to heaven. Unless you speak out against Bush. But why would you do that? You are conservative. As long as you accept Christ and Bush as your saviors, then you get to go to heaven. Don't waste your time being a good person. Christ taught us that life is all about material possessions, accumulating wealth, and keeping it from getting into the hands of those lazy, welfare collecting slobs.
Accuse Clinton of everything wrong in your life
- - - From 9/11 to your wife leaving you because you are, according to the divorce papers she filed, a "fat, lazy, know-nothing sh*thead." Its all Bill Clinton's fault. Remember, he was one of the worst presidents in American history
Support Bush no matter what
- - - This can be hard. You may hear some wild stuff about something called "PNAC." Forget it. What's wrong with American world dominance? So what if this indicates that Bush wanted 9/11 to happen so he could justify a war on anyone who would fight (and some who wouldn't). That is just liberal spin. And forget about calls to impeach Bush for being a failure and abusing his position to further his buddies business interests. Dick Cheney still has contacts with Haliburton and receives hundreds of thousands of dollars a year from them. That doesn't imply a conflict of interest. Remember: Bill Clinton is an evil man who murdered Vince Foster, and is a serial rapist. Impeaching Clinton was every American's patriotic duty. Impeaching Bush is treason, and should be punishable by death.
Abortion is Murder.
- - - Remember this. Abortion is wrong. Nothing is more important than the sanctity of human life.
Murder is not Murder
- - - There is nothing wrong with killing an entire race of people if they are in the way of your imperialistic desires. Nothing is more important than the acquisition of natural resources.
Liberals, Muslims, and foreigners are evil
- - - They have lost their way. They need to be corrected. This can be achieved through one of two ways. Either conversion to Christianity, or mass genocide. Either would be a monument to God that would last thousands of years.
Stop thinking critically
- - - The administration will do this for you. If you need talking points, just feel free to fire up one of the many radio shows broadcasting the truth. If you need to know something, the administration will tell you. Do not trust anything that does not come from anyone endorsed by the Conservative movement. They are liars, and must be corrected. If someone tells you something contradictory to what you have heard from the administration, please refer or report them to a re-education center, or they will be arrested for thought crimes.
Tax cuts are good
- - - As long as they are for the very rich. One thing the "corporate corruption," as the liberal media likes to call it, has pointed out is that corporations and CEOs have a strong sense of patriotic duty. They will gladly pay taxes to the US and treat their workers well before taking benefits for themselves. A free market allows for the most freedom. These people who have been wrongly accused of "cooking the books" were just illustrating and exercising their rights in a free-market society, and are truly great patriots.
Ok, I gotta stop. This is even starting to scare me. I feel better for now. All I needed was a good, cynical way to vent.
Your thoughts?
Any suggestions for points I may have missed?