mdpm99
12-18-2003, 08:19 AM
Top Things on Saddam Hussein's To-Do List
18> Announce that I'm finally ready to comply with those pesky U.N. resolutions.
17> Inform minister of information that yes, the United States has indeed captured the Baghdad airport.
16> Add "2003 World Hide 'n' Seek Silver Medal Winner" to resume.
15> Find out if Hallmark makes a "Sorry I Tortured and Slaughtered the Nation!" card.
13> Offer to dedicate my life to helping O.J. find the real killers if they let me free.
12> Start working on a shiv of mass destruction.
11> Trade all-nude version of Iraqi card deck for some smokes.
10> Stage food fight in cafeteria to distract guards, then walk out via front door.
9> Eat map showing location of my secret cache of victory-parade balloons.
8> Call Osama: Cancel "Trading Spaces" offer.
7> Aha, Mr. Rubik, your cursed cube may have beaten me these past six months -- but now that I have ample time to focus on this task, the advantage is clearly mine!
4> Create a statue of myself out of soap.
3> "Dear Forum: I never thought I'd be writing to you, but when the cover to my hiding place opened, I found myself staring into the most gorgeous blue eyes in camouflage I've ever seen...."
2> Luxuriate in the cleanliness and roominess of my new prison cell.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Thing on Saddam Hussein's To-Do List...
1> Ask Bush family if they want to go best two out of three.
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Apply for Dubya's tax cut on my $750,000 stash.
Brush in some Just For Men gel to roll back the clock to the days when a raven-haired Saddam still ruled the oil fields with an iron fist, wait five minutes, rinse.
Call People magazine to see how my "50 Sexiest Men Alive" candidacy is faring.
Cancel subscription to Spider Hole Decor magazine.
Escape plan: 1) Score white hair dye, Santa hat; 2) Thank soldiers for finding me; 3) Ask for my sleigh.
Find out what jerk ratted me out and subscribe him to every spam list I can find.
Get security deposit back on the hole.
Learn to cry on cue for the inevitable Barbara Walters interview.
Make a quick $750,000 donation to the Bush/Cheney re-election campaign fund.
Note to self: Next time, upgrade to Cabana Suite.
Replace the Christina Aguilera CDs I left back in the hole.
See if that "I am the president of Iraq and am willing to negotiate" line can get me a decent prison haircut.
Stop by post office and pick up 25 million change-of-address cards.
Write a very angry letter to the Acme Corporation about their Super-Secret Camouflage Spider-Hole Cover.
Arrange to spend 30 days in the hole to fight off the homesickness.
Ask for political asylum at Neverland.
Call France to thank them for the tips on proper surrendering etiquette.
Call Harry and David to update my address. Don't want to miss those delicious fruit-of-the-month deliveries.
Cancel "Ousted Dictator Seeks Soulmate" personal ad.
Cancel amazon.com order for "Desert Survival for Dummies."
Contact Barbara Walters about guest-hosting "The View."
Finish that online MBA I've been putting off.
Get cell phone back. Erase Osama from speed-dial.
Join a 12-step Dictators Anonymous chapter.
Party like it's 1989!
Rag on Uday and Qusay for not keeping in touch with their old man.
Retreat to secret mental happy place and never come back.
Rush to Blockbuster and rent "Gigli" -- finally!
Sue the U.S. military for shaving off my badass beard.
Teach the world to sing in perfect harmony... or die trying!
Try one of those new "Wild Mountain Combos" at Wendy's.
Try to auction off those frequent flyer miles I won't be needing anymore.
18> Announce that I'm finally ready to comply with those pesky U.N. resolutions.
17> Inform minister of information that yes, the United States has indeed captured the Baghdad airport.
16> Add "2003 World Hide 'n' Seek Silver Medal Winner" to resume.
15> Find out if Hallmark makes a "Sorry I Tortured and Slaughtered the Nation!" card.
13> Offer to dedicate my life to helping O.J. find the real killers if they let me free.
12> Start working on a shiv of mass destruction.
11> Trade all-nude version of Iraqi card deck for some smokes.
10> Stage food fight in cafeteria to distract guards, then walk out via front door.
9> Eat map showing location of my secret cache of victory-parade balloons.
8> Call Osama: Cancel "Trading Spaces" offer.
7> Aha, Mr. Rubik, your cursed cube may have beaten me these past six months -- but now that I have ample time to focus on this task, the advantage is clearly mine!
4> Create a statue of myself out of soap.
3> "Dear Forum: I never thought I'd be writing to you, but when the cover to my hiding place opened, I found myself staring into the most gorgeous blue eyes in camouflage I've ever seen...."
2> Luxuriate in the cleanliness and roominess of my new prison cell.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Thing on Saddam Hussein's To-Do List...
1> Ask Bush family if they want to go best two out of three.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Apply for Dubya's tax cut on my $750,000 stash.
Brush in some Just For Men gel to roll back the clock to the days when a raven-haired Saddam still ruled the oil fields with an iron fist, wait five minutes, rinse.
Call People magazine to see how my "50 Sexiest Men Alive" candidacy is faring.
Cancel subscription to Spider Hole Decor magazine.
Escape plan: 1) Score white hair dye, Santa hat; 2) Thank soldiers for finding me; 3) Ask for my sleigh.
Find out what jerk ratted me out and subscribe him to every spam list I can find.
Get security deposit back on the hole.
Learn to cry on cue for the inevitable Barbara Walters interview.
Make a quick $750,000 donation to the Bush/Cheney re-election campaign fund.
Note to self: Next time, upgrade to Cabana Suite.
Replace the Christina Aguilera CDs I left back in the hole.
See if that "I am the president of Iraq and am willing to negotiate" line can get me a decent prison haircut.
Stop by post office and pick up 25 million change-of-address cards.
Write a very angry letter to the Acme Corporation about their Super-Secret Camouflage Spider-Hole Cover.
Arrange to spend 30 days in the hole to fight off the homesickness.
Ask for political asylum at Neverland.
Call France to thank them for the tips on proper surrendering etiquette.
Call Harry and David to update my address. Don't want to miss those delicious fruit-of-the-month deliveries.
Cancel "Ousted Dictator Seeks Soulmate" personal ad.
Cancel amazon.com order for "Desert Survival for Dummies."
Contact Barbara Walters about guest-hosting "The View."
Finish that online MBA I've been putting off.
Get cell phone back. Erase Osama from speed-dial.
Join a 12-step Dictators Anonymous chapter.
Party like it's 1989!
Rag on Uday and Qusay for not keeping in touch with their old man.
Retreat to secret mental happy place and never come back.
Rush to Blockbuster and rent "Gigli" -- finally!
Sue the U.S. military for shaving off my badass beard.
Teach the world to sing in perfect harmony... or die trying!
Try one of those new "Wild Mountain Combos" at Wendy's.
Try to auction off those frequent flyer miles I won't be needing anymore.