Why is it so hard to find a mate these days?

[Cleo Khary]

It seems as if there are more and more single folks that actually want to be in a relationship but have not been able to find the "right one." There is an exorbitant amout of reality dating shows, Internet dating sites, singles parties, fixer upers, etc etc... I actually just finished watching some reality dating thing on Dateline NBC which is typically looked at as being serious journalistic newscast!

Maybe its me but things just seemed easier in my parents day and even easier in their parents' day. It seemed as if people were just hooking up more then. Whats happening today? Have we changed that much? This is really baffleing me. graemlins/conf44.gif

[C hristian]

so many damn things. basically, the people you are talking about spend too much damn time watching tv and/or on their computers. second, people are more risk adverse, these days. third, and most importantly, people are selfish.


that's my jaded view.

[AD]

graemlins/conf44.gif

[MrLiam]

HUMAN BEINGS R NOT HUMANS ANY MORE NUT JUST NOS SO EVERTHING IS VIRTUAL & STUPID 100 YEARS AGO THINGS WHERE A LOT REAL THEN NOWADAYS WHEN AS ALREADY SAID PEOPLE WATCH 2 MUCH TV & KNOW NOTHING ABOUT THEMSELVES mad1.gif BASICALLY THE DEVIL HAS TAKEN OVER

[socratez]

Poeple are more picky nowadays because of all those internet dating stuff. If it doesnt work with x, i can trie x within a week. 10 years ago that was impossible so you had to make the best out of what you had. Poeple arent getting attached to each other anymore because everyone is keeping their options open for someone else

[der geile hund]

Originally posted by MrLiam:
HUMAN BEINGS R NOT HUMANS ANY MORE NUT JUST NOS SO EVERTHING IS VIRTUAL & STUPID 100 YEARS AGO THINGS WHERE A LOT REAL THEN NOWADAYS WHEN AS ALREADY SAID PEOPLE WATCH 2 MUCH TV & KNOW NOTHING ABOUT THEMSELVES mad1.gif BASICALLY THE DEVIL HAS TAKEN OVER Dope.

[socratez]

I dont think that poeple knew more about themselves a 100 years ago. I think they know more about them selves now. Thats just an effect of logical progression in science(especialy psychology) and culture. Because poeple know more about themselves, poeple are looking harder for someone who really matches.

The whole concept of monogamy for life has changed to monogamy for the moment,, a kind of temporal monogamy. Poeple change, so they also change in what they want from someone in a relationship.


Originally posted by MrLiam:
HUMAN BEINGS R NOT HUMANS ANY MORE NUT JUST NOS SO EVERTHING IS VIRTUAL & STUPID 100 YEARS AGO THINGS WHERE A LOT REAL THEN NOWADAYS WHEN AS ALREADY SAID PEOPLE WATCH 2 MUCH TV & KNOW NOTHING ABOUT THEMSELVES mad1.gif BASICALLY THE DEVIL HAS TAKEN OVER

[dennis f]

Back in the day our parents were willing to deal more...that's all ...Whether it was for the children's sake or because they held a high esteem for their marital vows. Our society today lacks the moral fortitude it once had. Now it's all about "what can u do for me?..." The newer generation is brought up on pimpin' and hoein' thanks to the music they've listened to and the videos they've watched. I for one am one of those.... and most of my friends are...and we all have our issues. The grass always looks greener on the other side of the fence...and while your busy admiring it, the grass is growin' long on yours and if your not careful someone else'll be mowin' it!!!...damn shame I tell ya.....
I also have to agree that we as a society have become alot more selfish than are parents and their parents were....and that in turn affects how we decide where and what we want in our relationships. Once again thank the outlets...but you can't stop progress or change so this is what we get.

my 2 cents

dee

[Ken1015]

Christopher Aquilo is looking for someone. You, him and MYOR should arrange a meet.

[AD]

Originally posted by Soulful1015:
Christopher Aquilo is looking for someone. You, him and MYOR should arrange a meet. meet = meat graemlins/cool_shades.gif

[Wild i]

Because people can't spell... graemlins/jpshakehead.gif

[imported_Chr_stopher]

Originally posted by Soulful1015:
Christopher Aquilo is looking for someone. You, him and MYOR should arrange a meet. Thanks for keeping me in mind...

smile.gif

[Wild i]

Seriously, how old are you C.L.E.O, because, to me, there is a big difference between your parents' day and your grandparents' day.

I'm probably old enough to be yo' mama and I can tell you it was never really easy. I think it might have been easier during my parents' day because folks were "expected" to couple. Sex-role stereotypes were enforced. Men married for sex, dinner and laundry -- and kids; women married for food, shelter and security -- and kids. Nowadays, not so much. These days women can take care of themselves financially and men are not ashamed to cook (thanks Ray! hail.gif ). "Late" marriages are the norm rather than the exception. By 30 people are far less flexible and more set in their ways, making long-term committment difficult.

Even so, there are always exceptions. My parents were married for 38 years, 'til death they did part. They decided from the beginning that they would stay together come hell or high water, partially because they were both from broken homes, which was quite unusual back then. (My grandmother died in 1928 and she'd been divorced a while by then.)

I think the isolation created by available media does impede social activity. You don't have to go to the movies or visit people. Just rent a movie, or watch TV; call someone up or get online. Order dinner in rather than go out. Hope in your car rather than walk down the street. Convenient it is: sociable it ain't.

[ngeso]

we have emancipated and bought ourselves out of group, society, convention and compromise, and into all-aspired individuality and freedom. today we live life as a progression of purely personal choices. we see ourselves as egoistic, self-sufficient and non-reliant. and we continue to raise our expectation-threshhold and lower our capacity to endure. we deal in too many externals.

as far as relationships are concerned, we continue to increase our focus on emotions while we continue to neglect aspects of pragmaticism. we expect subjective emotional commitment instead of sustained practical reliance. and we chose our partners in relationship to ultimately mirror and corroborate our personal choices.


in other words, and IMO, we approach realtionships based on prerequisites that differ dramatically from the conditions under which elder generations entered relationships. our grandparents and greatgrandparents sought to fill their half-filled cup a drop a day. we capitulate at the thought of a few drops spilled out of our "rightfully" brim-full cup, and choose change.

sustaining one relationship is about 'enduring' and 'ordeal' and finding personality in amalgamation. it is not about the 'self', and it is not about therapy for the other. it is about giving, not taking.

if you do not understand this, chances are you're going to periodically encounter divorce of all manner in your life.

peace. ngeso.

[ May 28, 2003, 08:00 AM: Message edited by: ngeso ]

[Wild i]

Originally posted by ngeso:
we have emancipated and bought ourselves out of group, society, convention and compromise, and into all-aspired individuality and freedom. today we live life as a progression of purely personal choices. we see ourselves as egoistic, self-sufficient and non-reliant. and we continue to raise our expectation-threshhold and lower our capacity to endure. we deal in too many externals.

as far as relationships are concerned, we continue to increase our focus on emotions while we continue to neglect aspects of pragmaticism. we expect subjective emotional commitment instead of sustained practical reliance. and we chose our partners in relationship to ultimately mirror and corroborate our personal choices.


in other words, and IMO, we approach realtionships based on prerequisites that differ dramatically from the conditions under which elder generations entered relationships. our grandparents and greatgrandparents sought to fill their half-filled cup a drop a day. we capitulate at the thought of a few drops spilled out of our "rightfully" brim-full cup, and choose change.

sustaining one relationship is about 'enduring' and 'ordeal' and finding personality in amalgamation. it is not about the 'self', and it is not about therapy for the other. it is about giving, not taking.

if you do not understand this, chances are you're going to periodically encounter divorce in your life.

peace. ngeso. Yeah, right, what he said! graemlins/grinyes.gif

Why you talkin' down to me? graemlins/spanka.gif

[ngeso]

Originally posted by Wild i:
</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by ngeso:
we have emancipated and bought ourselves out of group, society, convention and compromise, and into all-aspired individuality and freedom. today we live life as a progression of purely personal choices. we see ourselves as egoistic, self-sufficient and non-reliant. and we continue to raise our expectation-threshhold and lower our capacity to endure. we deal in too many externals.

as far as relationships are concerned, we continue to increase our focus on emotions while we continue to neglect aspects of pragmaticism. we expect subjective emotional commitment instead of sustained practical reliance. and we chose our partners in relationship to ultimately mirror and corroborate our personal choices.


in other words, and IMO, we approach realtionships based on prerequisites that differ dramatically from the conditions under which elder generations entered relationships. our grandparents and greatgrandparents sought to fill their half-filled cup a drop a day. we capitulate at the thought of a few drops spilled out of our "rightfully" brim-full cup, and choose change.

sustaining one relationship is about 'enduring' and 'ordeal' and finding personality in amalgamation. it is not about the 'self', and it is not about therapy for the other. it is about giving, not taking.

if you do not understand this, chances are you're going to periodically encounter divorce in your life.

peace. ngeso. Yeah, right, what he said! graemlins/grinyes.gif

Why you talkin' down to me? graemlins/spanka.gif </font>[/QUOTE]i was not talking down to you. mine is a general comment, based on my personal experience to date. all i'm saying is that once one lowers one's expectations, finding a mate will never have been as easy, as it is in these times.

peace. ngeso.

[Koffy Brown]

Why is everybody looking? Damn, I am so tired of folx complaining about not having a mate...Enjoy your life, do your own thing...it's spring time, it's warm weather, longer days...it's cool to be single right now...complain in the winter ...

nah forreal though, I'm sick of people complaining about not having someone...life goes on...get over it already...

[Wild i]

Originally posted by ngeso:
[Why you talkin' down to me? graemlins/spanka.gif i was not talking down to you. mine is a general comment, based on my personal experience to date. all i'm saying is that once one lowers one's expectations, finding a mate will never have been as easy, as it is in these times.

peace. ngeso. [/QB][/QUOTE]

Okay, I was joking. Seems like everytime I use the king's English, somebody tells me I'm talking down to them. On the other hand, when I speak in the vernacular, I'm talking down to them. I guess that thought didn't translate in my post (probably because I never said it!) graemlins/conf44.gif

BTW, I agree with what you said.

[ May 28, 2003, 08:49 AM: Message edited by: Wild i ]

[Wild i]

Actually, I retract my agreement. I'm tired of "Lowered Expectations." I lowered my expectations and now I'm just miserable. What do you tell yourself when you get rejected by someone you never thought was good enough for you in the first place?

I go with Donnie Simpson's sign-off: "Shoot for the moon. Then, even if you miss, you'll be among the stars."

[Discogoddess]

Great comments! To me, it's simply that we have many more choices than our forebearers did. Men don't have to mate/marry for sex, children and the comforts of home, and women don't have to mate/marry for financial security and children. In the late '60s and '70s, the freedom to explore, keep looking and reach for the next "bigger and better deal" was cute; now, maybe folks think it's played, but are too set in their ways to change their dating/mating/marriage viewpoints and behavior.

BTW, I don't think that our parents' and grandparents' generations had it easier or necessarily better. They just had more much strictly defined gender roles and expectations, and a society that enforced such (i.e., discrimination against women in schools/workplace prevented them from getting jobs and living independently).

[Wild i]

Originally posted by Discogoddess:
BTW, I don't think that our parents' and grandparents' generations had it easier or necessarily better. They just had more much strictly defined gender roles and expectations, and a society that enforced such (i.e., discrimination against women in schools/workplace prevented them from getting jobs and living independently). That's kind of what I meant by "easier," although I do see your point as well. There's a great deal of freedom in submission -- putting the responsibility elsewhere. Greater freedom in one area almost necessarily means lesser freedom in another. It's all about balance.

[GROOVE VICTIM]

Originally posted by Ashaki:
Why is everybody looking? Damn, I am so tired of folx complaining about not having a mate...Enjoy your life, do your own thing...it's spring time, it's warm weather, longer days...it's cool to be single right now...complain in the winter ...

nah forreal though, I'm sick of people complaining about not having someone...life goes on...get over it already... A question I ask myself all the time. I can't stand when a women asks me, "So why don't you have a girlfriend?" Well, uhhhh why don't you have a man? What, you tryin to get with me?


Geezz

[richierich]

You don't find them.. they find you.

[MYOR]

Originally posted by Albert D.:
</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by Soulful1015:
Christopher Aquilo is looking for someone. You, him and MYOR should arrange a meet. meet = meat graemlins/cool_shades.gif </font>[/QUOTE]graemlins/spanka.gif graemlins/spanka.gif

[MusicFilter]

Originally posted by Ashaki:
Why is everybody looking? Damn, I am so tired of folx complaining about not having a mate...Enjoy your life, do your own thing...it's spring time, it's warm weather, longer days...it's cool to be single right now...complain in the winter ...

nah forreal though, I'm sick of people complaining about not having someone...life goes on...get over it already... Hey that's easy for you to say! You probably like being alone, this person doesn't. And spring and summer is harder because there is more you tend to do with someone then.

No you don't always have to be with someone, but you can't take romantic walks with yourself, you can't picnic on the beach by yourself (well maybe you can but it's better with someone).

It sounds like this person might be a romantic person and like me would like to share some romantic time with someone.

What's wrong with that?

[Koffy Brown]

Originally posted by chgodj3:
</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by Ashaki:
Why is everybody looking? Damn, I am so tired of folx complaining about not having a mate...Enjoy your life, do your own thing...it's spring time, it's warm weather, longer days...it's cool to be single right now...complain in the winter ...

nah forreal though, I'm sick of people complaining about not having someone...life goes on...get over it already... Hey that's easy for you to say! You probably like being alone, this person doesn't. And spring and summer is harder because there is more you tend to do with someone then.

No you don't always have to be with someone, but you can't take romantic walks with yourself, you can't picnic on the beach by yourself (well maybe you can but it's better with someone).

It sounds like this person might be a romantic person and like me would like to share some romantic time with someone.

What's wrong with that? </font>[/QUOTE]I was being a little sarcastic about the summer/winter seasons thing...

Whatever happened to dating? seriously, why is it that when you meet someone you automatically start to think long-term relationship...Just maybe if we dated (and excluded sex) and really got to know a little bit about each other...all of this heartbreak hotel mess wouldn't be so rampant....

I am not lonely...I am open to a long term relationship...but only with someone I feel is the right one...in between time or in the mean time...I'm single, fabulous and enjoying every minute of it...I have friends male and female, I enjoy my time with them...but I also enjoy time with myself...if I want to take a romantic walk..I'll call my girls and say let's go to the park or one of my male friends...let's take a walk and talk about some shit...and it helps me to get through that time when I want some company other than myself...

[MusicFilter]

Originally posted by C.L.E.O:
It seems as if there are more and more single folks that actually want to be in a relationship but have not been able to find the "right one." There is an exorbitant amout of reality dating shows, Internet dating sites, singles parties, fixer upers, etc etc... I actually just finished watching some reality dating thing on Dateline NBC which is typically looked at as being serious journalistic newscast!

Maybe its me but things just seemed easier in my parents day and even easier in their parents' day. It seemed as if people were just hooking up more then. Whats happening today? Have we changed that much? This is really baffleing me. graemlins/conf44.gif Me to, but I understand why. Most of us, men and women are not looking for relationships. I've found that this "New Millineum" woman who, has a job, car, money and her own place, doesn't want to "answer to anyone". Therefore she is content being single and giving you some without a commitment. I can't tell you how many times when asked why women like being single the women answer "I like my freedom". It's as if being in a relationship is some kind of bondage. :rolleyes:

Before my last relationship ended, I found out that there are just as many women runnin'game as there are men runnin' game (if not more). I find that most women are all about themselves (for one reason or another). I can't tell you how many times I've went out on dates with women I was actually interested in and all they did was take.

LADIES, IT COST NOTHING TO OFFER. :rolleyes:

I was giving and giving and not getting in return. Does anyone practice reciprocity anymore. From return calls to her picking up the tab sometime. From me driving my car to me driving her car ( I refuse to be a passenger if I can help it).

It's all about gettin' yours and everyone is on that kick. Everybody's cheatin and we all know it, so many of us figure why get into a relationship especially when we know how it's going to end.

My parents were married for 38 years and I respect the institution of marriage, now all I have to do is find someone who respects themselves and me. graemlins/bighug.gif

I just finished reading SISTAHS RULES by Denene Millner many women should read that book. I highly recommend it for someone who is looking for a good man.

[Koffy Brown]

Originally posted by chgodj3:
</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by C.L.E.O:
It seems as if there are more and more single folks that actually want to be in a relationship but have not been able to find the "right one." There is an exorbitant amout of reality dating shows, Internet dating sites, singles parties, fixer upers, etc etc... I actually just finished watching some reality dating thing on Dateline NBC which is typically looked at as being serious journalistic newscast!

Maybe its me but things just seemed easier in my parents day and even easier in their parents' day. It seemed as if people were just hooking up more then. Whats happening today? Have we changed that much? This is really baffleing me. graemlins/conf44.gif Me to, but I understand why. Most of us, men and women are not looking for relationships. I've found that this "New Millineum" woman who, has a job, car, money and her own place, doesn't want to "answer to anyone". Therefore she is content being single and giving you some without a commitment. I can't tell you how many times when asked why women like being single the women answer "I like my freedom". It's as if being in a relationship is some kind of bondage. :rolleyes:

Before my last relationship ended, I found out that there are just as many women runnin'game as there are men runnin' game (if not more). I find that most women are all about themselves (for one reason or another). I can't tell you how many times I've went out on dates with women I was actually interested in and all they did was take.

LADIES, IT COST NOTHING TO OFFER. :rolleyes:

I was giving and giving and not getting in return. Does anyone practice reciprocity anymore. From return calls to her picking up the tab sometime. From me driving my car to me driving her car ( I refuse to be a passenger if I can help it).

It's all about gettin' yours and everyone is on that kick. Everybody's cheatin and we all know it, so many of us figure why get into a relationship especially when we know how it's going to end.

My parents were married for 38 years and I respect the institution of marriage, now all I have to do is find someone who respects themselves and me. graemlins/bighug.gif

I just finished reading SISTAHS RULES by Denene Millner many women should read that book. I highly recommend it for someone who is looking for a good man. </font>[/QUOTE]okay...hold up ... pump the brakes...I am sooo sick of brothas throwing the "independent women" sob story around like it's a nerf ball...stop it already...we are independent...we are free and we are at a point where we can enjoy our lives without total commitment...Every man I meet is not commitment material...it is that simple...if I want to date you I will date you, if I want to sex you and nothing more, I will do that, If along the way, we BOTH discover that we have alot in common and something to bring to the table that would benefit both of us...we can decide to take the relationship to the next level...My independence as a woman has nothing to do with NOT wanting a committed relationship as much as do with NOT wanting a committed relationship with the first dick that comes swinging along...

How dare men think any less of a woman who is comfortable with herself to wait on what she deems right for her...let me not start...

[Leslie]

Originally posted by Ashaki:
[okay...hold up ... pump the brakes...I am sooo sick of brothas throwing the "independent women" sob story around like it's a nerf ball...stop it already...we are independent...we are free and we are at a point where we can enjoy our lives without total commitment...Every man I meet is not commitment material...it is that simple...if I want to date you I will date you, if I want to sex you and nothing more, I will do that, If along the way, we BOTH discover that we have alot in common and something to bring to the table that would benefit both of us...we can decide to take the relationship to the next level...My independence as a woman has nothing to do with NOT wanting a committed relationship as much as do with NOT wanting a committed relationship with the first dick that comes swinging along...

How dare men think any less of a woman who is comfortable with herself to wait on what she deems right for her...let me not start... [/QB]Nuff said! graemlins/respekt.gif

[SOUL SAUCE]

the ratio is 7 woment for every 1 guy.

No one wants to take the time to get to know anyone.

[MusicFilter]

How dare men think any less of a woman who is comfortable with herself to wait on what she deems right for her...let me not start... [/QB][/QUOTE]

Wow! Such language Ashaki. graemlins/scared.gif

We don't think any less of a woman who is comfortable with herself to... It just creates the type of man who doesn't know if he is for sex, a friend or a relationship. :rolleyes:

We can't tell with you women. I kinda think that's how "Dogs" are made. You have a man who may think enough of you to establish a relationship, and you only want him for his "manhood". Not that there is anything wrong with that, it just confuses us. Well some of us.

You are still my girl Ashaki graemlins/1luvu.gif

[ngeso]

Originally posted by Leslie:
</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by Ashaki:
[okay...hold up ... pump the brakes...I am sooo sick of brothas throwing the "independent women" sob story around like it's a nerf ball...stop it already...we are independent...we are free and we are at a point where we can enjoy our lives without total commitment...Every man I meet is not commitment material...it is that simple...if I want to date you I will date you, if I want to sex you and nothing more, I will do that, If along the way, we BOTH discover that we have alot in common and something to bring to the table that would benefit both of us...we can decide to take the relationship to the next level...My independence as a woman has nothing to do with NOT wanting a committed relationship as much as do with NOT wanting a committed relationship with the first dick that comes swinging along...

How dare men think any less of a woman who is comfortable with herself to wait on what she deems right for her...let me not start... Nuff said! graemlins/respekt.gif [/QB]</font>[/QUOTE]increasingly this goes both ways.

[nev m]

Originally posted by C.L.E.O:
It seems as if there are more and more single folks that actually want to be in a relationship but have not been able to find the "right one." There is an exorbitant amout of reality dating shows, Internet dating sites, singles parties, fixer upers, etc etc... I actually just finished watching some reality dating thing on Dateline NBC which is typically looked at as being serious journalistic newscast!

Maybe its me but things just seemed easier in my parents day and even easier in their parents' day. It seemed as if people were just hooking up more then. Whats happening today? Have we changed that much? This is really baffleing me. graemlins/conf44.gif It wasn't quite so open in our parents day though, neither was there so much personal freedom especialy if you were the long suffering wife!!

In my life I have found the times that I've been looking for a partner I never have, and then when I've not been looking, or indeed not even wanted a relationship POW!! Life's like that, and given the modern advantages such as computers, air travel etc you have far more choice. Maybe because of all the extra options we have become too "picky".

Either way love will probably "find you" in the end.

[imported_Chr_stopher]

Originally posted by MYOR:
</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by Albert D.:
</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by Soulful1015:
Christopher Aquilo is looking for someone. You, him and MYOR should arrange a meet. meet = meat graemlins/cool_shades.gif </font>[/QUOTE]graemlins/spanka.gif graemlins/spanka.gif </font>[/QUOTE]Hi

[Koffy Brown]

Originally posted by chgodj3:
How dare men think any less of a woman who is comfortable with herself to wait on what she deems right for her...let me not start... Wow! Such language Ashaki. graemlins/scared.gif

We don't think any less of a woman who is comfortable with herself to... It just creates the type of man who doesn't know if he is for sex, a friend or a relationship. :rolleyes:

We can't tell with you women. I kinda think that's how "Dogs" are made. You have a man who may think enough of you to establish a relationship, and you only want him for his "manhood". Not that there is anything wrong with that, it just confuses us. Well some of us.

You are still my girl Ashaki graemlins/1luvu.gif [/QB][/QUOTE]

I'm convinced..leave the chicken heads alone graemlins/rofl.gif

If everyone would throw away all the expectations and learn to go with the flow....probably be less disappointed...

[darrow]

Cleo alluded to something that I'm not sure people touched on.

What I got from her question...

If what I see on the tv, read in the papers, and hear from friends/coworkers is true...there is a large number of single people out there looking.

On TV, you've got all these "find a relationship" shows...bachelor, bachelorette, married by america, blind date, a dating story, a wedding story...blah blah blah. The presence of these shows leads me to believe that there is an audience out there who perhaps identifies closely with these show because they are single but want to find someone. That is probably too simple of an analysis but it is how I perceive things.

In the papers, I see what seems to be a proliferation of ads for all these dating services/parties...Lock and key parties...5 minute lunche dates...socials for single...personal ads.

On the internet...more personals, chat rooms, and message boards where the focus is finding "the right one".

So I'm wondering, in a city like DC for instance where so many single people really ARE looking AND expending quite a bit of energy to do so, why don't things seem to be more successful? (Maybe there is success and I just don't know it?)Expectations too high? Attention span too short? Are the folks that participate in these activities pre-disposed to be disfunctional? (I often hear friends say stuff like "everyone online is f$cked up!", but that just doesn't make sense to me. The people online are the same people that live next door or go to the same grocery store or the same church or whatever. Everyone can't be f$cked up) Maybe there's just too much to choose from?

(the above are questions not statements)

I definitely understand that not everyone wants a relationship, but for what seems to be a large amount of people who are looking and using all the mediums mentioned, what's the deal?

[melodic]

Every man I meet is not commitment material...it is that simple..

That depends on your personal taste and what type attracts you

The disparity between men and women come from not discussing pertinent issues in a relationship/dating/marriage/etc. There should be a whole lot to discuss before any sparks light up. Men should open the table for discussion by asking the lady questions about her self and in turn responding to issues with confidence without being obnoxious and conceited. This way if things do not work out then at least you leave that person with a good impression....

[GROOVE VICTIM]

Originally posted by melodic:
Every man I meet is not commitment material...it is that simple..

That depends on your personal taste and what type attracts you

The disparity between men and women come from not discussing pertinent issues in a relationship/dating/marriage/etc. There should be a whole lot to discuss before any sparks light up. Men should open the table for discussion by asking the lady questions about her self and in turn responding to issues with confidence without being obnoxious and conceited. This way if things do not work out then at least you leave that person with a good impression.... The best thing I read all friggin day!!! graemlins/thumbsup.gif

[Cleo Khary]

Originally posted by Wild i:
Seriously, how old are you C.L.E.O, because, to me, there is a big difference between your parents' day and your grandparents' day.

I'm probably old enough to be yo' mama and I can tell you it was never really easy. I think it might have been easier during my parents' day because folks were "expected" to couple. Sex-role stereotypes were enforced. Men married for sex, dinner and laundry -- and kids; women married for food, shelter and security -- and kids. Nowadays, not so much. These days women can take care of themselves financially and men are not ashamed to cook (thanks Ray! hail.gif ). "Late" marriages are the norm rather than the exception. By 30 people are far less flexible and more set in their ways, making long-term committment difficult.

Even so, there are always exceptions. My parents were married for 38 years, 'til death they did part. They decided from the beginning that they would stay together come hell or high water, partially because they were both from broken homes, which was quite unusual back then. (My grandmother died in 1928 and she'd been divorced a while by then.)

I think the isolation created by available media does impede social activity. You don't have to go to the movies or visit people. Just rent a movie, or watch TV; call someone up or get online. Order dinner in rather than go out. Hope in your car rather than walk down the street. Convenient it is: sociable it ain't. Wild i you probably are old enough to be my momma (I was trying to give you the benefit of the doubt) :D joshing

Conspicuously missing from your assertion of why men and women got married in the days of old is "Love." Do you think no one married for love and companionship and sharing? Did your father marry your mother for sex, dinner and laundry?

I think several of the posts most accurately summed up the most paramount points that 1. we are more selfish now, 2. there are more choices available, 3. "traditional" man and woman roles have been drastically changed, and 4. the advent of "individualism" and "independence" has supplanted "companionship" and "interdependence."

[M3taPhsX]

I didn't know the phenomenon was so wide spread. I thought it was just me.

[Cleo Khary]

Originally posted by Ashaki:
Why is everybody looking? Damn, I am so tired of folx complaining about not having a mate...Enjoy your life, do your own thing...it's spring time, it's warm weather, longer days...it's cool to be single right now...complain in the winter ...

nah forreal though, I'm sick of people complaining about not having someone...life goes on...get over it already... Ashaki now you know you need to stop! Keep it real! You of all posters typically have the most to say regarding topics similar to this.

Indeed, you may be sick of people complaining about not having someone but who is complaining on this thread? The number of posts to this thread clearly shows that this issue is prevalent and relevant in the minds of many.

I would have expected you to have some profound insight into this topic, particularly since you have been so vocal in the past.

The issue of "independence" that incensed you so much is a real concern among many men (whether it should be or not). Perhaps an open "non-condescending" discussion about how us men and you women feel about this very sensitive subject can do some good.

[Koffy Brown]

Originally posted by C.L.E.O:
</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by Ashaki:
Why is everybody looking? Damn, I am so tired of folx complaining about not having a mate...Enjoy your life, do your own thing...it's spring time, it's warm weather, longer days...it's cool to be single right now...complain in the winter ...

nah forreal though, I'm sick of people complaining about not having someone...life goes on...get over it already... Ashaki now you know you need to stop! Keep it real! You of all posters typically have the most to say regarding topics similar to this.

Indeed, you may be sick of people complaining about not having someone but who is complaining on this thread? The number of posts to this thread clearly shows that this issue is prevalent and relevant in the minds of many.

I would have expected you to have some profound insight into this topic, particularly since you have been so vocal in the past.

The issue of "independence" that incensed you so much is a real concern among many men (whether it should be or not). Perhaps an open "non-condescending" discussion about how us men and you women feel about this very sensitive subject can do some good. </font>[/QUOTE]mkay... graemlins/remybussi.gif

[Cleo Khary]

There are some good points here. Any takers?

[rob brito]

relationships, like all else are now a commodity.

a human being or "mate" is now for the most part nothing more than a list of qualities that satisfy the strongest bidder's most inane desires. a sign of these material times.

we've de-faced each other and de-valued what could be a beutiful thing to a practical partnership of convenience.

it's rare to find people even slightly inclined to appreciating and reciprocating your character so it's only a skip away to see why it's a near impossibility to meet anyone willing to sacrifice their personal space for you.

[Alanda Marquette from DiscoLadyLand]

People are wearing too many faces and are afraid of taking risks. Dating isn't simple as it used to be, back in our parents and grandparents' day they would "court" instead of just out right date many people. There were not alot of outside influences that would make one shallow to feel like competing. The only outside influences they had were their parents and maybe a film stripe on practical dating graemlins/rofl.gif

Now days we have too many things to compete against for attention and have too much baggage.

[Koffy Brown]

Well it wouldn't be politically correct for me to say exactly what i'm feeling on this...

I just think that once we begin to truly love ourselves and accept who we are, we are then able to choose better mates for ourselves. If I know what I want I would hope that I would be able to choose a man that will reciprocate to me the love that I am giving to him...it really isn't that difficult...

[richierich]

I think that too many people think that another person is going to make them whole. Like there sole happiness is based on another person being there. Setting yourself up for disappointment. If you are already happy I would think that you wouldn't allow someone to come into your space and make you unhappy. If you are unhappy you can't depend on someone else to make your life happy. I hope that made sense.

[Koffy Brown]

Originally posted by richierich:
I think that too many people think that another person is going to make them whole. Like there sole happiness is based on another person being there. Setting yourself up for disappointment. If you are already happy I would think that you wouldn't allow someone to come into your space and make you unhappy. If you are unhappy you can't depend on someone else to make your life happy. I hope that made sense. Perfecto....

exactly...what you put in is definitely what you get out...

how dare me expect you to be RESPONSIBLE for my happiness...

[SOUL SAUCE]

i want to find a soul mate and get 2 dogs. 1 called Pacheco & the other Neptune!

[richierich]

I wanna know why this is hammered into little girls heads at an early age that they are gonna grow up get married and have kids... Like all women want this or it is their duty to live up to this. Some people are not capable of sustaining a healthy relationship and just can't get it thru there heads and then want to blame the other person. I've heard other women say that you aint no real woman until you have kids because that's what you are supposed to do... WTF is that????? Oh yeah and how about this one a man is supposed to take care of you... so why even go to college, get a job or anything... huh??? Get real.. take care of your damn self and try not to put yourself in a position so that someone else has to take care of you.... because you want it more than your partner and had it all planned before you even met him... now look at you!!

[ May 29, 2003, 03:51 PM: Message edited by: richierich ]

[Koffy Brown]

welp, looks like I'll be working for the rest of my life graemlins/rofl.gif

I'm really beginning to think that my girl ain't ready for you... :D

[richierich]

Originally posted by Ashaki:
welp, looks like I'll be working for the rest of my life graemlins/rofl.gif

I'm really beginning to think that my girl ain't ready for you... :D Whatchu talkin' bout Willis???

[Koffy Brown]

Originally posted by richierich:
</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by Ashaki:
welp, looks like I'll be working for the rest of my life graemlins/rofl.gif

I'm really beginning to think that my girl ain't ready for you... :D Whatchu talkin' bout Willis??? </font>[/QUOTE]I'm just messing with you, since you have the tendancy to ignore me...but you do have some big ole arms... biggrinangel.gif

[ May 29, 2003, 03:59 PM: Message edited by: Ashaki ]

[mrbillpeewee]

Phucking Brilliant!!!!! graemlins/respekt.gif



Originally posted by ngeso:
we have emancipated and bought ourselves out of group, society, convention and compromise, and into all-aspired individuality and freedom. today we live life as a progression of purely personal choices. we see ourselves as egoistic, self-sufficient and non-reliant. and we continue to raise our expectation-threshhold and lower our capacity to endure. we deal in too many externals.

as far as relationships are concerned, we continue to increase our focus on emotions while we continue to neglect aspects of pragmaticism. we expect subjective emotional commitment instead of sustained practical reliance. and we chose our partners in relationship to ultimately mirror and corroborate our personal choices.


in other words, and IMO, we approach realtionships based on prerequisites that differ dramatically from the conditions under which elder generations entered relationships. our grandparents and greatgrandparents sought to fill their half-filled cup a drop a day. we capitulate at the thought of a few drops spilled out of our "rightfully" brim-full cup, and choose change.

sustaining one relationship is about 'enduring' and 'ordeal' and finding personality in amalgamation. it is not about the 'self', and it is not about therapy for the other. it is about giving, not taking.

if you do not understand this, chances are you're going to periodically encounter divorce of all manner in your life.

peace. ngeso.

[mrbillpeewee]

Originally posted by Ashaki:
Well it wouldn't be politically correct for me to say exactly what i'm feeling on this...

I just think that once we begin to truly love ourselves and accept who we are, we are then able to choose better mates for ourselves. If I know what I want I would hope that I would be able to choose a man that will reciprocate to me the love that I am giving to him...it really isn't that difficult... Shyttttt! Yeah it is! graemlins/acclaim.gif That difficult I ...mean. Every one wants comfort zones, women have them built right in! Who really running it? graemlins/acclaim.gif

[Cleo Khary]

Indeed I agree that one must love ones self (in fact one must first know what love really is but I digress...) but I would venture to say that there are many out there that have taken the time to learn of love, learn themselves, love themselves and are now ready to share that love with someone else. What about those people? Why is it so hard for them?

Perhaps we have become too picky as a society (as several other posts have already suggested). Perhaps its because some women say they want a good man but deep down really want a bad boy. Or perhaps its because some guys say they want a sweet innocent girl but deep down really want a freak. Or perhaps people just THINK they know what they want but really have no clue. I just don't quite know.

[ May 29, 2003, 11:25 PM: Message edited by: C.L.E.O ]

[martino]

the scent of desperation is worse than the cheapest of colognes. graemlins/acclaim.gif

[AD]

Don't mind me, I'm just passing through jackin a few threads. As soon as I'm finished I'll be on my way. Thank you for your cooperation.
http://deephousepage.com/smilies/walksmil.gif

[Ronnie Ron]

Originally posted by Albert D.:
Don't mind me, I'm just passing through jackin a few threads. As soon as I'm finished I'll be on my way. Thank you for your cooperation.
http://deephousepage.com/smilies/walksmil.gif graemlins/rofl.gif graemlins/rofl.gif graemlins/rofl.gif

On the real, folks have memories like Elephants and they dont forget the past, They let past relationships and wrong doings creep into there new relationships conciously or self conciously. Trust is way way gone. No one trusts anyone these days and probably for good reason. Then you have that hell if im gonna get dogged at least im gonna find a rich Man/Woman i dont need love ill just use my way through the relationship and have fun spending the other persons money syndrome. People dont say what they really mean, If you want some Dick/Pussy just say it stop acting like you want a relationship and you really dont. No means yes, yes means no, Hell everyone is confused, So thats what you get a big ol fat nothing of a relationship. People are graemlins/stupid.gif

I constantly hear from people, Im gonna get me a Man/Woman with some money. When you go you cant take that shit with ya...... Your gonna go out alone just like you came in, what you think GOD is gonna allow you to take all that money,Property,Stocks & Bonds, Travel & Vacations,Cars with you when its your time? ha ha ha ha ha so silly!!!, graemlins/jpshakehead.gif

Find you somebody nice, forget all this what do you have to offer bullshit and build something together from the Ground up build a foundation. Start off with a little Respect, Kindness,trust,and Vision for the future with your prospective mate. And like i said before and ill say it again, If you just want to hit it then SAY SO!!!!

[Koffy Brown]

Originally posted by C.L.E.O:
Indeed I agree that one must love ones self (in fact one must first know what love really is but I digress...) but I would venture to say that there are many out there that have taken the time to learn of love, learn themselves, love themselves and are now ready to share that love with someone else. What about those people? Why is it so hard for them?

Perhaps we have become too picky as a society (as several other posts have already suggested). Perhaps its because some women say they want a good man but deep down really want a bad boy. Or perhaps its because some guys say they want a sweet innocent girl but deep down really want a freak. Or perhaps people just THINK they know what they want but really have no clue. I just don't quite know. Is there something wrong with taking the time to choose a mate? Afterall we are approaching these relationships as a lifetime mate, right? I believe that people actually do know what they really want, that's why they are not jumping at the first thing that come along. I believe the more we dwell on having a mate, the more cluttered our thoughts become about what we want. Don't get me wrong, I want a lifetime mate as well...(I've had 1 failed marriage), so for me that means getting to know a person, really getting to know him as best as I could...his habits, his passions, his likes, dislikes, ambitions, goals, nasty habits..etc...I now know that sex is just a mere factor in a relationship...it is not the glue to hold it together...so I need to get as deep as I can in his head...but even before getting to that point, I need to decide if this is a person that I even want to explore more...while doing those things, I am enjoying being single...because I am not with someone special doesn't mean my life stops...I think it's natural to want a mate...shit I've said before...I NEED a mate...I'll be just a little more selective about the one I decide to settle down with...and then with all of that ...it's still not guaranteed...

[Cleo Khary]

Originally posted by Ashaki:
</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by C.L.E.O:
Indeed I agree that one must love ones self (in fact one must first know what love really is but I digress...) but I would venture to say that there are many out there that have taken the time to learn of love, learn themselves, love themselves and are now ready to share that love with someone else. What about those people? Why is it so hard for them?

Perhaps we have become too picky as a society (as several other posts have already suggested). Perhaps its because some women say they want a good man but deep down really want a bad boy. Or perhaps its because some guys say they want a sweet innocent girl but deep down really want a freak. Or perhaps people just THINK they know what they want but really have no clue. I just don't quite know. Is there something wrong with taking the time to choose a mate? Afterall we are approaching these relationships as a lifetime mate, right? I believe that people actually do know what they really want, that's why they are not jumping at the first thing that come along. I believe the more we dwell on having a mate, the more cluttered our thoughts become about what we want. Don't get me wrong, I want a lifetime mate as well...(I've had 1 failed marriage), so for me that means getting to know a person, really getting to know him as best as I could...his habits, his passions, his likes, dislikes, ambitions, goals, nasty habits..etc...I now know that sex is just a mere factor in a relationship...it is not the glue to hold it together...so I need to get as deep as I can in his head...but even before getting to that point, I need to decide if this is a person that I even want to explore more...while doing those things, I am enjoying being single...because I am not with someone special doesn't mean my life stops...I think it's natural to want a mate...shit I've said before...I NEED a mate...I'll be just a little more selective about the one I decide to settle down with...and then with all of that ...it's still not guaranteed... </font>[/QUOTE]Ashaki I think you are missing my point and the point of the topic (because I am in agreement with yours) and that is, considering everything you just said why then is is so difficult to find your mate.

Indeed, you should be selective and you should take your time and learn your potential partner but where is the potential partner? Where is the one that you feel is worth at least trying to learn and grow with? Why are they so elusive?

[Cleo Khary]

Originally posted by martino:
the scent of desperation is worse than the cheapest of colognes. graemlins/acclaim.gif so true martino, so true.

[Cleo Khary]

Originally posted by RonnieRon:
On the real, folks have memories like Elephants and they dont forget the past, They let past relationships and wrong doings creep into there new relationships conciously or self conciously. Trust is way way gone. No one trusts anyone these days and probably for good reason. This affects so many people. Many unable or unwilling to admit it.


People dont say what they really mean, If you want some Dick/Pussy just say it stop acting like you want a relationship and you really dont.This can be difficult to do but I think its for the best and certainly is the most fair.

[ May 30, 2003, 01:19 PM: Message edited by: C.L.E.O ]

[Mark]

The turning point came in 1995 with the release of the movie, "Waiting to Exhale" ;)
Male bashing at its finest.