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imported_Kohtake

11-05-2003, 04:53 PM

I've been kinda hanging out with this girl over the past couple o' months. I think she's the bomb and all dat.. y'know.. smart, sexy, very very good taste in music, etc. Anyways, everything was all good in the beginning but due to some unforseen circumstances, things got a bit sour.. kinda. Anyways, we're still friends but I can feel the friendship has more or less deteriorated to a bit of a distant vibe.. as in we only talk when very very necessary.

I'm cool with that though, but I feel that she has read some situations wrongly.. and me too on certain parts. These 'mis-readings' amongst other things, have seriously affected the friendship. The mistake is that we were both so bent on 'acting' cool about things right up to a point where we end up not discussing about these things or being straight up with each other when they're happening and the next thing you know.. the friendship's almost gone.

Now, I've never done this before but I was thinking the other day that I should let her know what I think about our friendship and all the stuff that happened over the past few months. My intention is not to salvage anything but more to come clean, so that if we do happen to not even talk to each other one day.. least she'll know some truth from my end.. instead of making assumptions - which she tends to always do.

From a woman's point of view : I want to know whether I should do this or should I just go on and continue doing my own thing and let things fall as they may.

I've never really contemplated over these kinda things as most of my friendships and relationships have been pretty straight up. She's not even my girlfriend.. we were just really close, had some kinda connection. But, I guess with her, I treasure the friendship enough to wanna post something like this on a forum.

Your thoughts please smile.gif

And

11-05-2003, 05:11 PM

Just as you've expressed your intentions here, do the same with her. If you two were as close as you say you were, then she'd probably want to hear your side of things. The key is to let her know you're doing this to clear the air. All the best Kohtake. smile.gif

imported_Kohtake

11-05-2003, 05:15 PM

Thanks 6 23 smile.gif

imported_Kohtake

11-05-2003, 05:16 PM

Hahahahaha!! That signature 6 23 is gonna be a classic! icon_rofl.gif

Tony Cano

11-05-2003, 05:17 PM

let it go. if you don't expect to try to salvage anything, what is the point?

tc

imported_Kohtake

11-05-2003, 05:23 PM

Originally posted by Tony Cano:
let it go. if you don't expect to try to salvage anything, what is the point?

tc Hi Tony, the point is to clear the air.. so that there won't be bad vibes in the future. We run with the same group of friends so we're bound to bump into each other from time to time.

Tony Cano

11-05-2003, 05:26 PM

Hello:

I hear you. Just that some personality types do not know how to communicate. You may tell her you just want to clear the air and she walks away thinking another. Hate to see you waste your energy and effort. thats all. good luck!

tc

Bougie Soliterre

11-05-2003, 05:28 PM

DEFINATELY talk to her. As foreign as the concept seems to alot of men, us women need to talk about stuff, sometimes to the point of re-hashing the point to ad naseum. If you see she isn't interested in breaching the subject then let it go, otherwise this should be a positive thing that will bring clarity to your current relationship at the very least. But always remember; men and women don't see things the same way so it may take a little work to get points across but if you like this girl it will be worth it.

good luck!

imported_Kohtake

11-05-2003, 05:31 PM

Originally posted by Tony Cano:
Hello:

I hear you. Just that some personality types do not know how to communicate. You may tell her you just want to clear the air and she walks away thinking another. Hate to see you waste your energy and effort. thats all. good luck!

tc I totally agree with what you've said. She's a bit like that - might just walk away thinking something else. Which is why I'm contemplating.

Thanks for the input Tony. smile.gif

imported_Kohtake

11-05-2003, 05:33 PM

Originally posted by Bougie Soliterre:
DEFINATELY talk to her. As foreign as the concept seems to alot of men, us women need to talk about stuff, sometimes to the point of re-hashing the point to ad naseum. If you see she isn't interested in breaching the subject then let it go, otherwise this should be a positive thing that will bring clarity to your current relationship at the very least. But always remember; men and women don't see things the same way so it may take a little work to get points across but if you like this girl it will be worth it.

good luck! Thanks Bougie Soliterre. What you said has a lot of truth in it. smile.gif

And

11-05-2003, 05:45 PM

Hey Kohtake .. How about proposing the idea of wanting to clear the air to her first. Instead of going into things, ask her if she would be open to you trying to clear the air, and under what conditions. Read her response or reaction then decide from there.
-----
Yeah on the signature. Borrowed it from Big Sexy's post earlier today. Had me laughing for quite some time. graemlins/biglaugha.gif

imported_Kohtake

11-05-2003, 05:50 PM

Originally posted by 6 23:
Hey Kohtake .. How about proposing the idea of wanting to clear the air to her first. Instead of going into things, ask her if she would be open to you trying to clear the air, and under what conditions. Read her response or reaction then decide from there.
-----
Yeah on the signature. Borrowed it from Big Sexy's post earlier today. Had me laughing for quite some time. graemlins/biglaugha.gif Good idea Chinwe. Maybe I should do that. But like I was saying, we're at a point where we don't even talk unless very necessary.. so I don't know whether she'll wanna talk bout it. I was thinkin' of sending her an email if all else fails.

Yeah, I was reading that thread as well earlier. And when I saw you'd put that line in your signature. Just made it even funnier!
icon_rofl.gif

SuzanneT

11-05-2003, 06:13 PM

Originally posted by 6 23:
ask her if she would be open to you trying to clear the air, and under what conditions. Read her response or reaction then decide from there.
Absolutely agree with 6 23 on this one. The way it's phrased here, you're allowing her to choose whether she wants to hear what you have to say or just let the friendship die a natural death.

Its kinda sad when friendships deteriorate because people are afraid to say what's really on their minds. I know I'm making an assumption, but it sounds like there were some things that weren't clarified in the beginning of your friendship (relationship).

imported_Kohtake

11-05-2003, 06:24 PM

Originally posted by SuzanneT:
<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by 6 23:
ask her if she would be open to you trying to clear the air, and under what conditions. Read her response or reaction then decide from there.
Absolutely agree with 6 23 on this one. The way it's phrased here, you're allowing her to choose whether she wants to hear what you have to say or just let the friendship die a natural death.

Its kinda sad when friendships deteriorate because people are afraid to say what's really on their minds. I know I'm making an assumption, but it sounds like there were some things that weren't clarified in the beginning of your friendship (relationship). [/QUOTE]Hi Suzanne, to a certain extent, yeah.. we started off with a somewhat 'bang'. We were like talking/messaging/emailing each other everyday.. was intense - in a good way. We have a lot of similarities in principles, morals, lifestyle, music, etc. And we both knew that, so bearing that in mind, we kinda had this 'ESP' thing going. We just didn't question each other on many things.. it was very deep in trust and knowing each other well enough.. until some things happened (along with a lot of 'help' from gossipers of course).

graemlins/jpshakehead.gif

And

11-05-2003, 07:41 PM

Originally posted by Kohtake:
<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by SuzanneT:
<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by 6 23:
ask her if she would be open to you trying to clear the air, and under what conditions. Read her response or reaction then decide from there.
Absolutely agree with 6 23 on this one. The way it's phrased here, you're allowing her to choose whether she wants to hear what you have to say or just let the friendship die a natural death.

Its kinda sad when friendships deteriorate because people are afraid to say what's really on their minds. I know I'm making an assumption, but it sounds like there were some things that weren't clarified in the beginning of your friendship (relationship). [/QUOTE]Hi Suzanne, to a certain extent, yeah.. we started off with a somewhat 'bang'. We were like talking/messaging/emailing each other everyday.. was intense - in a good way. We have a lot of similarities in principles, morals, lifestyle, music, etc. And we both knew that, so bearing that in mind, we kinda had this 'ESP' thing going. We just didn't question each other on many things.. it was very deep in trust and knowing each other well enough.. until some things happened (along with a lot of 'help' from gossipers of course).

graemlins/jpshakehead.gif [/QUOTE]This experience hits home a few times ... :(
That's why I think approaching her on the subject of trying to air it out is a good idea. Hopefully if she can recall the bond you two had, she'll give it a shot. If she's not ready to, then you can at least be happy with the knowledge that you tried - Not only tried but presented her with the option of deciding under which conditions the two of you would speak.
-----
Keep in mind your intention is to clear the air not get a certain response from her. If she says no, you've still tried to clear the air. Both of you must be willing before any more can come of it.

imported_Kohtake

11-06-2003, 02:54 AM

Thanks 6 23. I think that's the way to go about this. Hopefully things will turn out alright.

To all who have posted your opinions on this matter. My deepest thanks from the bottom of my heart. Thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts and experiences with me. It really means a lot. smile.gif

Shalom!

DJ Keith Porter

11-06-2003, 07:49 AM

Hold up.
I see this in all of that!

I see you two all cool and stuff then all of a sudden things changed up...Booom!

I see two things that may have happened..

1. All this time ya'll been chillin and conversating on all these levels etc.. I think you two talked enough where some buttons were pushed. I think she likes you a little bit more than you think. I think that even though you two have talked about so much this is something she can not approach you with.
That is one of my experiences..

2. Within that group you two hang with somebody is talking about you. I would guess that its some bad stuff (BS) but its being told to her and it seems as if she is trying to distance herself from you.
Never had that experience but, that is what Im getting out of you expression.

Hope this gives you another view of your situation?
Good luck!

DJ Keith Porter

11-06-2003, 07:58 AM

Wild i

11-06-2003, 08:42 AM

Definitely communicate.

I find that often a well-agonized-over letter or note is the best way to go because you get to organize your thoughts, word them carefully and get everything out there that you wanted to say. It also gives her the option of reading it or not.

Take the time to find the right paper and pen -- let her know you put some thought into it -- and express yourself. Then, at least, you've gotten it off your chest and you can move on free and clear.

lola desire

11-06-2003, 08:43 AM

the easy solution to a complex problem is usually wrong.

if the two of you keep acting "cool" and no one ever "acts" like anything is wrong, the relationship will stay exactly as it is now: fake and shallow with the both of you knowing that things could be different.

on the other hand if you take this issue head on, you could actually make some breakthroughs and the two of you could become much closer. even if you decide that the friendship/relationship is over, at least it will be based on courageous resolution instead of flakey indecision.

imported_Kohtake

11-06-2003, 10:16 AM

Once again, thanks guys for all the input you've given me. I feel that all these different opinions/perspectives have a lot of truth in them and I will use all the stated suggestions/thoughts in my delivery toward the situation at hand. I can see a clearer picture now and am more sure of what I'll haveta do. I can't thank you all enough. It really means a lot to me. THANK YOU!

smile.gif