View Full Version : Expectations - How do you not have them?
Off and on (in relationship talks etc) people have mentioned not having expectations from the one they're with as being a tactic that helps the relationship along. Could someone, anyone explain this further to me. What is it like to have NO expectations of anyone? Wouldn't "not having any expectations" make it really hard to define the relationship you're in? I've been thinking a lot about my expectations of people and what people expect from me and wondering how/if I'm buying the "no expectations" philosophy.
mdpm99
08-25-2003, 10:00 AM
biggrinangel.gif
Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love get married.
The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.
smile.gif
d
you really know how to complicate things, its just hanging out
Originally posted by 6 23:
Off and on (in relationship talks etc) people have mentioned not having expectations from the one they're with as being a tactic that helps the relationship along. Could someone, anyone explain this further to me. What is it like to have NO expectations of anyone? Wouldn't "not having any expectations" make it really hard to define the relationship you're in? I've been thinking a lot about my expectations of people and what people expect from me and wondering how/if I'm buying the "no expectations" philosophy. you know, that Rod Hatcher song in your signee... yeah, many people sleep on that Heavy Mellow EP on Nepenta. Loved that track... but mostly the one on the flipside, Dance The Night Away.....
Sorry to divert from your subject.
As for the expectations thing, I think we all end up expecting no matter what. Don't get away from yourself and act the way you feel. That's all I can say.
richierich
08-25-2003, 10:17 AM
I just take things for what they are at face value. It is what it is and nothing else.
Leslie
08-25-2003, 10:30 AM
Perhaps your expectations are unrealistic. Maybe your criteria is all out of wack.
Originally posted by richierich:
I just take things for what they are at face value. It is what it is and nothing else. Really? Always? Not that it matters what I think (with regards to your relationships) but I'm wondering how this happens. How do you live taking things for what they are ... You have NO expectations of anything or anyone?
Originally posted by Leslie:
Perhaps your expectations are unrealistic. Maybe your criteria is all out of wack. Too easy and a separate issue; dealing with out of whack expectations. I'm asking about having NO expectations.
Leslie
08-25-2003, 10:36 AM
Originally posted by 6 23:
</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by Leslie:
Perhaps your expectations are unrealistic. Maybe your criteria is all out of wack. Too easy and a separate issue; dealing with out of whack expectations. I'm asking about having NO expectations. </font>[/QUOTE]To have no expectations is to expect nothing - how is that not having an expectaion? Essentially your criteria is nothing and then you wonder why you get what you get....
Originally posted by DJ76:
Don't get away from yourself and act the way you feel.Now this I can relate to.
Comon Expectations, lets go to lunch. icon_rofl.gif
-
Hee, hee ... I love that track too. ;)
NubianSista
08-25-2003, 10:36 AM
Through my experience in all relationships (maternal to romantic or friendships) we place expectations as human beings. If we don’t have any expectations how do we know if the relationships in our lives are healthy or un-healthy?
Yes! I have said in many relationships that bull **it lie, it was totally unconditional. I want nothing in return. That was the biggest form of denial. When I really keep it real, there’s always something for something. Whether its care giving, sex, companionship I have never just given of myself selflessly.
DISKOQUEEN99
08-25-2003, 10:45 AM
I feel that the less you expect, you're less likely to be disappointed. I don't have any; I have demands. Respect me and don't insult my intelligence with stupid lies and BS.
richierich
08-25-2003, 10:57 AM
Originally posted by 6 23:
</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by richierich:
I just take things for what they are at face value. It is what it is and nothing else. Really? Always? Not that it matters what I think (with regards to your relationships) but I'm wondering how this happens. How do you live taking things for what they are ... You have NO expectations of anything or anyone? </font>[/QUOTE]In relationships I deal with what is happening instead of what I expect. Life throws too many curves and a lot of time it's about adjustment. So expecting someone to be whatever is a crap shoot. I'd rather just deal with the reality of what it is. I just expect to be happy and I am this with or without someone.
[ August 25, 2003, 11:59 AM: Message edited by: richierich ]
Originally posted by Leslie:
</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by 6 23:
</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by Leslie:
Perhaps your expectations are unrealistic. Maybe your criteria is all out of wack. Too easy and a separate issue; dealing with out of whack expectations. I'm asking about having NO expectations. </font>[/QUOTE]To have no expectations is to expect nothing - how is that not having an expectaion? Essentially your criteria is nothing and then you wonder why you get what you get.... </font>[/QUOTE]and if I get what you're writing about, this point ties into my question. "Expect" nothing, get nothing. The outlandish or unrealistic aspects of your expectations to be determined at another time.
-
Anyway, I guess I'd like to hear from people who have no expectations and how this is working out for them. What do they mean by NO expectations.
Originally posted by Nubiansista:
Through my experience in all relationships (maternal to romantic or friendships) we place expectations as human beings. If we don’t have any expectations how do we know if the relationships in our lives are healthy or un-healthy?
Yes! I have said in many relationships that bull **it lie, it was totally unconditional. I want nothing in return. That was the biggest form of denial. When I really keep it real, there’s always something for something. Whether its care giving, sex, companionship I have never just given of myself selflessly. Thank you for this .. I wondered whether my question was being interpreted by others as stemming from disappointment at the outcome of an expectation I had of someone or some situation. It's not about that. I'm trying to figure out my expectations in a world that seems to be telling me I shouldn't have any - but provides no examples of how I achieve this "glorious" state. icon_rofl.gif
Originally posted by 6 23:
</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by Nubiansista:
Through my experience in all relationships (maternal to romantic or friendships) we place expectations as human beings. If we don’t have any expectations how do we know if the relationships in our lives are healthy or un-healthy?
Yes! I have said in many relationships that bull **it lie, it was totally unconditional. I want nothing in return. That was the biggest form of denial. When I really keep it real, there’s always something for something. Whether its care giving, sex, companionship I have never just given of myself selflessly. Thank you for this .. I wondered whether my question was being interpreted by others as stemming from disappointment at the outcome of an expectation I had of someone or some situation. It's not about that. I'm trying to figure out my expectations in a world that seems to be telling me I shouldn't have any - but provides no examples of how I achieve this "glorious" state. icon_rofl.gif </font>[/QUOTE]why do you need examples?
Originally posted by 6 23:
</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by Nubiansista:
Through my experience in all relationships (maternal to romantic or friendships) we place expectations as human beings. If we don’t have any expectations how do we know if the relationships in our lives are healthy or un-healthy?
Yes! I have said in many relationships that bull **it lie, it was totally unconditional. I want nothing in return. That was the biggest form of denial. When I really keep it real, there’s always something for something. Whether its care giving, sex, companionship I have never just given of myself selflessly. Thank you for this .. I wondered whether my question was being interpreted by others as stemming from disappointment at the outcome of an expectation I had of someone or some situation. It's not about that. I'm trying to figure out my expectations in a world that seems to be telling me I shouldn't have any - but provides no examples of how I achieve this "glorious" state. icon_rofl.gif </font>[/QUOTE]IMO, I think we all have expectations and need to have expectations.. Otherwise you just end up with any dog(male/female) that walks in your path... The key is to have realistic expectations. Keep it real girl graemlins/cool_shades.gif
Originally posted by mhd:
</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by 6 23:
</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by Nubiansista:
Through my experience in all relationships (maternal to romantic or friendships) we place expectations as human beings. If we don’t have any expectations how do we know if the relationships in our lives are healthy or un-healthy?
Yes! I have said in many relationships that bull **it lie, it was totally unconditional. I want nothing in return. That was the biggest form of denial. When I really keep it real, there’s always something for something. Whether its care giving, sex, companionship I have never just given of myself selflessly. Thank you for this .. I wondered whether my question was being interpreted by others as stemming from disappointment at the outcome of an expectation I had of someone or some situation. It's not about that. I'm trying to figure out my expectations in a world that seems to be telling me I shouldn't have any - but provides no examples of how I achieve this "glorious" state. icon_rofl.gif </font>[/QUOTE]why do you need examples? </font>[/QUOTE]I guess I don't need them how I think you're implying. Sometimes pictures are a nice addition to a story ... Sometimes examples give me a clearer picture of where someone is coming from.
Bold Soul
08-25-2003, 11:38 AM
What must be understood is that expectations come from FEAR and when facing fear, courage is required to resist the pain of fear long enough to make valuable decisions.
It's unreasonable to believe that you will have absolutely ZERO expectations. One must understand what expectations are fear-based and what expectations are based on self-love and mutual respect. Then you must be mindful and CHOOSE to resist the habitual impulses related to your perception.
Again, some of the hardest work you'll ever do - but willingness is the key.
Bold Soul
08-25-2003, 11:40 AM
Originally posted by MYOR:
</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by 6 23:
</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by Nubiansista:
Through my experience in all relationships (maternal to romantic or friendships) we place expectations as human beings. If we don’t have any expectations how do we know if the relationships in our lives are healthy or un-healthy?
Yes! I have said in many relationships that bull **it lie, it was totally unconditional. I want nothing in return. That was the biggest form of denial. When I really keep it real, there’s always something for something. Whether its care giving, sex, companionship I have never just given of myself selflessly. Thank you for this .. I wondered whether my question was being interpreted by others as stemming from disappointment at the outcome of an expectation I had of someone or some situation. It's not about that. I'm trying to figure out my expectations in a world that seems to be telling me I shouldn't have any - but provides no examples of how I achieve this "glorious" state. icon_rofl.gif </font>[/QUOTE]IMO, I think we all have expectations and need to have expectations.. Otherwise you just end up with any dog(male/female) that walks in your path... The key is to have realistic expectations. Keep it real girl graemlins/cool_shades.gif </font>[/QUOTE]Why do others have to be "dogs" when they don't fall on the right side of our wants? Aren't they just beings, the same as you or I, who are walking through this life without a user's manual?
Judgement is borne of expectation.
Originally posted by MYOR:
Keep it reel girl graemlins/cool_shades.gif What up Myor ;)
Trying to ... however that comes out ...
Keeping it reel:
http://www.videocopycentre.com/images/photos/broken-reel.jpg
Er ... Hmm ... ?
http://www.ucsc.edu/currents/01-02/art/reel.02-04-22.180.jpg
Originally posted by Bold Soul:
</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by MYOR:
</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by 6 23:
</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by Nubiansista:
Through my experience in all relationships (maternal to romantic or friendships) we place expectations as human beings. If we don’t have any expectations how do we know if the relationships in our lives are healthy or un-healthy?
Yes! I have said in many relationships that bull **it lie, it was totally unconditional. I want nothing in return. That was the biggest form of denial. When I really keep it real, there’s always something for something. Whether its care giving, sex, companionship I have never just given of myself selflessly. Thank you for this .. I wondered whether my question was being interpreted by others as stemming from disappointment at the outcome of an expectation I had of someone or some situation. It's not about that. I'm trying to figure out my expectations in a world that seems to be telling me I shouldn't have any - but provides no examples of how I achieve this "glorious" state. icon_rofl.gif </font>[/QUOTE]IMO, I think we all have expectations and need to have expectations.. Otherwise you just end up with any dog(male/female) that walks in your path... The key is to have realistic expectations. Keep it real girl graemlins/cool_shades.gif </font>[/QUOTE]Why do others have to be "dogs" when they don't fall on the right side of our wants? Aren't they just beings, the same as you or I, who are walking through this life without a user's manual?
Judgement is borne of expectation. </font>[/QUOTE]Ohh Please all I'm saying is that I'm not going to just take anything or anyone that crosses my path... Don't start reading too deep into things..
So yes I have expectations of EVERONE that is in my life... I Expect to be treated the way I treat you.. I expect for your to have respect for me We all have expectations... I just don't expect people to give me the moon when I know is not at their grasp...
NubianSista
08-25-2003, 11:51 AM
Originally posted by DISKOQUEEN99:
I feel that the less you expect, you're less likely to be disappointed. I don't have any; I have demands. Respect me and don't insult my intelligence with stupid lies and BS. http://deephousepage.com/smilies/conf40.gif
[ August 25, 2003, 01:01 PM: Message edited by: Nubiansista ]
NubianSista
08-25-2003, 11:56 AM
Originally posted by Nubiansista:
</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by DISKOQUEEN99:
I feel that the less you expect, you're less likely to be disappointed. I don't have any; I have demands. Respect me and don't insult my intelligence with stupid lies and BS. True! </font>[/QUOTE]I agree with demanding respect and having high standards. It's still expectations.
[ August 25, 2003, 01:01 PM: Message edited by: Nubiansista ]
Originally posted by 6 23:
</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by mhd:
</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by 6 23:
</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by Nubiansista:
Through my experience in all relationships (maternal to romantic or friendships) we place expectations as human beings. If we don’t have any expectations how do we know if the relationships in our lives are healthy or un-healthy?
Yes! I have said in many relationships that bull **it lie, it was totally unconditional. I want nothing in return. That was the biggest form of denial. When I really keep it real, there’s always something for something. Whether its care giving, sex, companionship I have never just given of myself selflessly. Thank you for this .. I wondered whether my question was being interpreted by others as stemming from disappointment at the outcome of an expectation I had of someone or some situation. It's not about that. I'm trying to figure out my expectations in a world that seems to be telling me I shouldn't have any - but provides no examples of how I achieve this "glorious" state. icon_rofl.gif </font>[/QUOTE]why do you need examples? </font>[/QUOTE]I guess I don't need them how I think you're implying. Sometimes pictures are a nice addition to a story ... Sometimes examples give me a clearer picture of where someone is coming from. </font>[/QUOTE]who cares what the world is telling you. further, you can tell where a person is coming from based on their actions and the words that come out of their mouth.
lola desire
08-25-2003, 12:03 PM
greetings...
ahhh one of my favorite relationship topics!
"expectations" does not mean the same thing as "standards".
expectations are based on past expierience.
because you have had certain experiences, you try to judge the reality of your situation on what you THINK should or should not happen. everything is circumstantial... you end up chasing the details, round and round, drama after drama. anyone living from an expectation standpoint will be hard pressed to have a non-drama-filled relationship. expectations = unclaimed baggage. another problem with expectations is that they are rarely discussed on any meaninful level, which is unfair to the person being judged by them.
standards are based on principles.
because you have principals as guidelines, it is easy to tell when someone's behavior or the conditions of the relationship does not fit within these pre-determined guidelines. you and your partner are allowed to be themselves and you can live in the moment. this is to say that you can live withoug hinging every event/action on some past baggage that you haven't dealt with.
the more you have expectations, the more you suffer. let go of your expectations and be free.
NubianSista
08-25-2003, 12:04 PM
Originally posted by david mancuso:
biggrinangel.gif
Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love get married.
The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.
smile.gif
d graemlins/rofl.gif
Originally posted by Bold Soul:
It's unreasonable to believe that you will have absolutely ZERO expectations. One must understand what expectations are fear-based and what expectations are based on self-love and mutual respect. Then you must be mindful and CHOOSE to resist the habitual impulses related to your perception.Perhaps how I have been presented my thoughts didn't properly indicate that I assumed most people already had a grasp of this anyway, hence my "but NO expectations?" questions.
"Spacelab to 6 23 ... You're not coming in clear." icon_rofl.gif
Originally posted by Bold Soul: willingness is the key.Sometimes finding the willingness ends up being the hardest part of it all - I mean running's supposed to be good for ya isn't it? graemlins/rofl.gif
Originally posted by Bold Soul: What must be understood is that expectations come from FEAR and when facing fear, courage is required to resist the pain of fear long enough to make valuable decisions.and trying to tell the difference is where I tend to get stuck the most.
http://deephousepage.com/smilies/juggle.gif
Originally posted by lola desire:
Expectations Vs. Standards ... Hmm ... Definitely helping on the clarity angle for me. graemlins/thumbsup.gif
Bold Soul
08-25-2003, 12:11 PM
Originally posted by 6 23:
</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by Bold Soul: What must be understood is that expectations come from FEAR and when facing fear, courage is required to resist the pain of fear long enough to make valuable decisions.and trying to tell the difference is where I tend to get stuck the most.
http://deephousepage.com/smilies/juggle.gif </font>[/QUOTE]Takes practice. ;)
Bold Soul
08-25-2003, 12:12 PM
Originally posted by lola desire:
greetings...
ahhh one of my favorite relationship topics!
"expectations" does not mean the same thing as "standards".
expectations are based on past expierience.
because you have had certain experiences, you try to judge the reality of your situation on what you THINK should or should not happen. everything is circumstantial... you end up chasing the details, round and round, drama after drama. anyone living from an expectation standpoint will be hard pressed to have a non-drama-filled relationship. expectations = unclaimed baggage. another problem with expectations is that they are rarely discussed on any meaninful level, which is unfair to the person being judged by them.
standards are based on principles.
because you have principals as guidelines, it is easy to tell when someone's behavior or the conditions of the relationship does not fit within these pre-determined guidelines. you and your partner are allowed to be themselves and you can live in the moment. this is to say that you can live withoug hinging every event/action on some past baggage that you haven't dealt with.
the more you have expectations, the more you suffer. let go of your expectations and be free. Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant.
lola desire
08-25-2003, 12:14 PM
aw shucks... graemlins/bighug.gif
NubianSista
08-25-2003, 12:15 PM
Originally posted by lola desire:
greetings...
ahhh one of my favorite relationship topics!
"expectations" does not mean the same thing as "standards".
expectations are based on past expierience.
because you have had certain experiences, you try to judge the reality of your situation on what you THINK should or should not happen. everything is circumstantial... you end up chasing the details, round and round, drama after drama. anyone living from an expectation standpoint will be hard pressed to have a non-drama-filled relationship. expectations = unclaimed baggage. another problem with expectations is that they are rarely discussed on any meaninful level, which is unfair to the person being judged by them.
standards are based on principles.
because you have principals as guidelines, it is easy to tell when someone's behavior or the conditions of the relationship does not fit within these pre-determined guidelines. you and your partner are allowed to be themselves and you can live in the moment. this is to say that you can live withoug hinging every event/action on some past baggage that you haven't dealt with.
the more you have expectations, the more you suffer. let go of your expectations and be free. Please define these words
Anticipation
Hope
Belief
Prospect
Probability
Nuff said ;)
Originally posted by Nubiansista:
</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by lola desire:
greetings...
ahhh one of my favorite relationship topics!
"expectations" does not mean the same thing as "standards".
expectations are based on past expierience.
because you have had certain experiences, you try to judge the reality of your situation on what you THINK should or should not happen. everything is circumstantial... you end up chasing the details, round and round, drama after drama. anyone living from an expectation standpoint will be hard pressed to have a non-drama-filled relationship. expectations = unclaimed baggage. another problem with expectations is that they are rarely discussed on any meaninful level, which is unfair to the person being judged by them.
standards are based on principles.
because you have principals as guidelines, it is easy to tell when someone's behavior or the conditions of the relationship does not fit within these pre-determined guidelines. you and your partner are allowed to be themselves and you can live in the moment. this is to say that you can live withoug hinging every event/action on some past baggage that you haven't dealt with.
the more you have expectations, the more you suffer. let go of your expectations and be free. Please define these words
Anticipation
Hope
Belief
Prospect
Probability
Nuff said ;) </font>[/QUOTE]the words mean what you want them to mean
lola desire
08-25-2003, 12:38 PM
Originally posted by Nubiansista:
</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by lola desire:
greetings...
ahhh one of my favorite relationship topics!
"expectations" does not mean the same thing as "standards"....
Please define these words
Anticipation
Hope
Belief
Prospect
Probability
Nuff said ;) </font>[/QUOTE]not sure what you're getting at here.
Originally posted by lola desire:
greetings...
ahhh one of my favorite relationship topics!
"expectations" does not mean the same thing as "standards".
expectations are based on past expierience.
because you have had certain experiences, you try to judge the reality of your situation on what you THINK should or should not happen. everything is circumstantial... you end up chasing the details, round and round, drama after drama. anyone living from an expectation standpoint will be hard pressed to have a non-drama-filled relationship. expectations = unclaimed baggage. another problem with expectations is that they are rarely discussed on any meaninful level, which is unfair to the person being judged by them.
standards are based on principles.
because you have principals as guidelines, it is easy to tell when someone's behavior or the conditions of the relationship does not fit within these pre-determined guidelines. you and your partner are allowed to be themselves and you can live in the moment. this is to say that you can live withoug hinging every event/action on some past baggage that you haven't dealt with.
the more you have expectations, the more you suffer. let go of your expectations and be free. And aren't your standards based upon your expectations??
Friday
08-25-2003, 01:44 PM
Originally posted by Bold Soul:
</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by lola desire:
greetings...
ahhh one of my favorite relationship topics!
"expectations" does not mean the same thing as "standards".
expectations are based on past expierience.
because you have had certain experiences, you try to judge the reality of your situation on what you THINK should or should not happen. everything is circumstantial... you end up chasing the details, round and round, drama after drama. anyone living from an expectation standpoint will be hard pressed to have a non-drama-filled relationship. expectations = unclaimed baggage. another problem with expectations is that they are rarely discussed on any meaninful level, which is unfair to the person being judged by them.
standards are based on principles.
because you have principals as guidelines, it is easy to tell when someone's behavior or the conditions of the relationship does not fit within these pre-determined guidelines. you and your partner are allowed to be themselves and you can live in the moment. this is to say that you can live withoug hinging every event/action on some past baggage that you haven't dealt with.
the more you have expectations, the more you suffer. let go of your expectations and be free. Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. </font>[/QUOTE]Most definitely, this just helped to fill in some blanks I had graemlins/cheering.gif
Originally posted by mhd:
who cares what the world is telling you. further, you can tell where a person is coming from based on their actions and the words that come out of their mouth.What the ? icon_rofl.gif
Not even sure how to go into explaining why I'm laughing my head off at this.
biggrinangel.gif
Hello Kitty
08-25-2003, 02:08 PM
Originally posted by david mancuso:
biggrinangel.gif
Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love get married.
The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.
smile.gif
d Ummm interesting.
Personally, without having read all the comments,
its just another empty mass philosophy.
U have to treat other how you would want to be treated and if they're too smart to NOT figure
it out, distance yourself(period).
Expectations are a tacit understanding that the irresponsible try and wiggle out of, if you're on a different plane, keep striding sista...
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