September 28th, 2010 12:37 PM
A Fine Whine
By Michael Moore
BIDEN: (sniffling) What's the matter with our base? Why don't liberals like us any more!
OBAMA: They like us still... but they're mean to us!
BIDEN: And we're the opposite of mean! Like, we're so nice to the Republicans -- we don't even make them have to do a real filibuster and look all stupid trying to stop bills that do good things for kids and old people!
OBAMA: Bipartisanship, Joe, that was our plan.
BIDEN: And even when not one single Republican would join with us, we still watered down every single one of our bills so they wouldn't be upset with us!
OBAMA: We hate people being mad at us!
BIDEN: The Republicans didn't want a health care bill, so we made sure most of it wouldnít go into effect until 2014!
OBAMA: I thought our liberal base was all about peace, love and understanding! So I held out the olive branch to Republicans when they were mad because I was going to spend stimulus money on creating jobs. So we made sure we created as few jobs as possible! We're nice to the other side!
BIDEN: Sooooo nice that we've created American jobs -- in Afghanistan!
OBAMA: I've tripled the number of troops in Afghanistan!
BIDEN: You've expanded the war in ways George Bush couldn't!
OBAMA: AND -- who can name a president that's ever been able to start a new war without losing a single American life!
BIDEN: Yeah! How come liberals donít like our drone war? The left says they don't like war, so we use drones to bomb and fire missiles into Pakistan every week -- and not a single American soldier dies! The base should love that!
OBAMA: That's right! We just push a button in Nevada and kill dozens of people...
BIDEN: ...And still have time to take the wife and kids to Applebees! So quit your whining, Dems!
OBAMA: Here's another thing: The base complained that the Republicans were locking up millions of our citizens in our prisons. So we come in and decide not to arrest anyone on Wall Street -- and suddenly liberals are all "tough on crime!"
BIDEN: Exactly! We can't blame individual Wall Street criminals. It's society's fault, man! (BIDEN gives an awkward black power salute.)
OBAMA: The same thing goes for the way we didn't prosecute torturers! I thought it was CONSERVATIVES who were all boring and stodgy and about following the "law."
BIDEN: Shouldn't liberals like that we got creative and tore up the rulebook?
OBAMA: Itís so unfair! I donít like it!
BIDEN: Me neither!
OBAMA: It hurts my feelings!
BIDEN: Mine, too!
OBAMA: Well, we'll show them! Let's let the Bush tax cuts expire!
BIDEN: Yeah, that'll show 'em! (pause) Hey, wait -- doesn't that mean that our middle class base will start paying more taxes?
OBAMA: I don't know! I don't care! I'm sick of not being appreciated. It's bad enough not one Republican will play with me! Now my Dem friends don't even wanna mention my name. And I'm a nice guy!
BIDEN: Yes you are! You're a great guy! It's all those voters who are the meanies! Meanies! Well, they'll get what they deserve in November!
OBAMA: Yeah. Um. Joe... Do you think after we lose in November we'll regret not doing more for the majority who elected us two years ago?
BIDEN: No! We'll just blame the left! "It's not our fault! It's not our fault! It's the whiny left who can never be satisfied!"
OBAMA: But then do you think these whiners might do to us in 2012 what they did in (gulp) 2000?
BIDEN & OBAMA: Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!