DHP Financial post of the week: Helping out family members

[imported_Gman]

As you pay off your bills and start saving money guess what? You find out that you are not an island. If you are not careful extended family can really keep you back. What guidelines to you use for helping out family members.

Can you help me pay my phone bill?

I am short on my rent this month ? Yeah you are short on your rent every month. Move.

I can't pay my tuition this semester? Okay the check is in the mail. [img]smile.gif[/img]

I presently never loan family money. If I can't afford to gift it then they don't get it. I also have to see the family member trying to get themselves together otherwise forget it.

-G

[ November 07, 2003, 02:23 PM: Message edited by: Gman ]

[MYOR]

I try not to lend any money to my family(which to me is my brothers & sister)..

But I do it all the time... I always tell them.. Damn who will I go to when MY ALREADY BROKE ass needs money.. But I know they will find the money for me if i needed it... [img]graemlins/conf44.gif[/img]

[sammyrock]

Can u please spare a dime on a worthless person like me???if not I think my 2 pit bulls would like for you to donate a bone,,,lol lol nah G-man thanks for the knowledge..Peace. ;) [img]smile.gif[/img]

[Wild i]

Yeah, family can be a pain when it comes to money. To hear my brothers tell it, I'm Oprah-East.

I usually have a floating $20 - $50 between my youngest brother and me. Since we have opposite paydays, that little bit really comes in handy. For the most part, he and my sister are very fastidious about paying back in a timely fashion because 1) ain't none of us rich and, b) we may need help again so it's good to clear the decks. My older brother, not so much. Pretty much anything you give him is a gift.

As far as any large sum of money is concerned, we never really have it so it's not an issue. I will say this, any time one of us has come into some money (inheritance, settlement, whatever) we share generously.

But I agree with you G. If you value your family relationships, don't give it unless you don't need it back.

[ November 07, 2003, 09:16 AM: Message edited by: Wild i ]

[houseaddict]

My mom needed help on a continous basis recently. FOrtunately, I am in a position to help her to some extent. Rather than simply taking her word for what she needed, I asked her to come up with a speadsheet that detailed all of her monthyl expenses so that we could go over it together and figfure out where she could cut back. This also helped the two of us figure out how much she really needed. I was happy to help as long as it was a specific amount each month and I knew what it was going to more or less.

I was surprised when a couple of months ago, she told me she was out of the storm so to speak, and was no longer in a position where she needed my help. I thought it was a permanent thing and she thought it was temporary. Hey, that's cool by me!!

[Leslie]

My sister and I NEVER borrow money amongst ourselves, we just never got into that. But if she were to ever ask me I would know that it was because she really needed it and it wouldn't be a problem and I wouldn't expect it back.

There are family members I would help and there are family members I would not help due to the fact that they are trifling, a drug addict, and or a general flake.

My parents are both retired and still have more money than my sister and I - go figure that one out! [img]graemlins/conf44.gif[/img]

[imported_Gman]

Linda's sister hits her up for 40-50$ every other month. This has been going on for the last 15 years whether she is working or not . Never seen a dime back. This sister will curse their mother out if the mother doesn't loan her money. I suggested to Linda that she make the next loan a real loan. That it must be paid back before any more loans are made.
If she gets cursed out who the hell cares :D

[MYOR]

Originally posted by houseaddict:
My mom needed help on a continous basis recently. FOrtunately, I am in a position to help her to some extent. Rather than simply taking her word for what she needed, I asked her to come up with a speadsheet that detailed all of her monthyl expenses so that we could go over it together and figfure out where she could cut back. This also helped the two of us figure out how much she really needed. I was happy to help as long as it was a specific amount each month and I knew what it was going to more or less.

I was surprised when a couple of months ago, she told me she was out of the storm so to speak, and was no longer in a position where she needed my help. I thought it was a permanent thing and she thought it was temporary. Hey, that's cool by me!!

When it comes to my mom if I have $20 in my pocket and she needed money she will get $15.. My mom is like me(or I'm like my mom ;) ).. Even if she needs money she will not ask.. So if she is asking.. She must really need it..

[imported_Gman]

Originally posted by Wild i:
Yeah, family can be a pain when it comes to money. To hear my brothers tell it, I'm Oprah-East.

I usually have a floating $20 - $50 between my youngest brother and me. Since we have opposite paydays, that little bit really comes in handy. For the most part, he and my sister are very fastidious about paying back in a timely fashion because 1) ain't none of us rich and, b) we may need help again so it's good to clear the decks. My older brother, not so much. Pretty much anything you give him is a gift.

As far as any large sum of money is concerned, we never really have it so it's not an issue. I will say this, any time one of us has come into some money (inheritance, settlement, whatever) we share generously.

But I agree with you G. If you value your family relationships, don't give it unless you don't need it back.

Did you get all those people out of your house ?

[imported_Gman]

Originally posted by Leslie:
There are family members I would help and there are family members I would not help due to the fact that they are trifling, a drug addict, and or a general flake.

Why is it that the trifling, drug addict, general flakes in the family think that you owe them something ?

[Wild i]

Originally posted by Gman:
</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by Wild i:
Yeah, family can be a pain when it comes to money. To hear my brothers tell it, I'm Oprah-East.

I usually have a floating $20 - $50 between my youngest brother and me. Since we have opposite paydays, that little bit really comes in handy. For the most part, he and my sister are very fastidious about paying back in a timely fashion because 1) ain't none of us rich and, b) we may need help again so it's good to clear the decks. My older brother, not so much. Pretty much anything you give him is a gift.

As far as any large sum of money is concerned, we never really have it so it's not an issue. I will say this, any time one of us has come into some money (inheritance, settlement, whatever) we share generously.

But I agree with you G. If you value your family relationships, don't give it unless you don't need it back.

Did you get all those people out of your house ? </font>[/QUOTE]I thought this was the finance thread, not the "bring ish up to piss Melanie off" thread! [img]graemlins/puke.gif[/img]

[Brenda]

Originally posted by Gman:
</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by Leslie:
There are family members I would help and there are family members I would not help due to the fact that they are trifling, a drug addict, and or a general flake.

Why is it that the trifling, drug addict, general flakes in the family think that you owe them something ? </font>[/QUOTE]Because that is the mentality of an addict.

[MusicFilter]

I feel ya.

If you don't have it to loose, don't lend it because you might not get it back.

If I have it and can spare it, I will help my friends and family.

That's how I want to be treated.

But no one fcuks you like family.

[imported_Gman]

Originally posted by Wild i:
</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by Gman:
</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by Wild i:
Yeah, family can be a pain when it comes to money. To hear my brothers tell it, I'm Oprah-East.

I usually have a floating $20 - $50 between my youngest brother and me. Since we have opposite paydays, that little bit really comes in handy. For the most part, he and my sister are very fastidious about paying back in a timely fashion because 1) ain't none of us rich and, b) we may need help again so it's good to clear the decks. My older brother, not so much. Pretty much anything you give him is a gift.

As far as any large sum of money is concerned, we never really have it so it's not an issue. I will say this, any time one of us has come into some money (inheritance, settlement, whatever) we share generously.

But I agree with you G. If you value your family relationships, don't give it unless you don't need it back.

Did you get all those people out of your house ? </font>[/QUOTE]I thought this was the finance thread, not the "bring ish up to piss Melanie off" thread! [img]graemlins/puke.gif[/img] </font>[/QUOTE]Oooops bad joke..

-G

[Leslie]

Originally posted by Gman:
</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by Leslie:
There are family members I would help and there are family members I would not help due to the fact that they are trifling, a drug addict, and or a general flake.

Why is it that the trifling, drug addict, general flakes in the family think that you owe them something ? </font>[/QUOTE]Because they are trifling, drug addicted, and generally flakey and what goes along with all of that is to become a boil on the behind of your family because they have deluded themselves into thinking that because you get up and go to work and handle your business to the best of your ability and they choose to do otherwise you owe it to them to lend a helping hand. I'm so glad that those in my family who subscibe to this way of life know better than to even twist their lips or fix their mouths to even ask me for a gat damn thing. I have no patience.

[imported_Gman]

Originally posted by chgodj3:
I feel ya.

If you don't have it to loose, don't lend it because you might not get it back.

If I have it and can spare it, I will help my friends and family.

That's how I want to be treated.

But no one fcuks you like family.

But what if they don't show any initiative in improving their condition ?

[Brenda]

Originally posted by Leslie:
</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by Gman:
</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by Leslie:
There are family members I would help and there are family members I would not help due to the fact that they are trifling, a drug addict, and or a general flake.

Why is it that the trifling, drug addict, general flakes in the family think that you owe them something ? </font>[/QUOTE]Because they are trifling, drug addicted, and generally flakey and what goes along with all of that is to become a boil on the behind of your family because they have deluded themselves into thinking that because you get up and go to work and handle your business to the best of your ability and they choose to do otherwise you owe it to them to lend a helping hand. I'm so glad that those in my family who subscibe to this way of life know better than to even twist their lips or fix their mouths to even ask me for a gat damn thing. I have no patience. </font>[/QUOTE]Werk...

[Leslie]

Originally posted by Gman:
</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by chgodj3:
I feel ya.

If you don't have it to loose, don't lend it because you might not get it back.

If I have it and can spare it, I will help my friends and family.

That's how I want to be treated.

But no one fcuks you like family.

But what if they don't show any initiative in improving their condition ? </font>[/QUOTE]Cut them off! Like a cancer that needs to be surgically removed, like a rabid animal that needs to be put down - cut that *ish off cause they will bring you down that road to hell right along with them, and they don't care - you care, but they don't care enough about themselves to make their situation any better. Its one thing when a family member has one situation and genuinely needs help and they learn from the situation and move forward positively, but its a whole 'nother loaf of bread when this is how they operate on the regular and use you and your kind nature/good heart/money to fix their jacked up ways. Sometimes you gotta turn your head to the wall and let all pleas of help fall on deaf ears.

[sammyrock]

G-man I can repay you with food stamps is that ok??thanks I knew you would understand..lol :D

[Fletch]

I can only imagine what NBA, NFL and MLB cats go through with this issue.

[imported_Gman]

Originally posted by Leslie:
Cut them off! Like a cancer that needs to be surgically removed, like a rabid animal that needs to be put down - cut that *ish off cause they will bring you down that road to hell right along with them, and they don't care - you care, but they don't care enough about themselves to make their situation any better. Its one thing when a family member has one situation and genuinely needs help and they learn from the situation and move forward positively, but its a whole 'nother loaf of bread when this is how they operate on the regular and use you and your kind nature/good heart/money to fix their jacked up ways. Sometimes you gotta turn your head to the wall and let all pleas of help fall on deaf ears.

I am going to print this response out for Linda ;)

[Erob the One]

To quote the late great Notorious Big . . .
". . . Money and blood don't mix, like two dicks and no chick . . ."

Erob

[DeesKo]

Until recently I'd never had to financially help either of my parents but had to step up with my father over the past 18 months. It was because of his own stupidity and addictions but at the same time, its still my father. No question at all about that....

I live 1000 miles away from my family and almost purposely keep long distance connections to a minimum so my step-brother, cousins, aunts, uncles etc wouldn't even know how to contact me to ASK so that's never been an issue.

I only have one grandparent left and she's worked pretty much all her life, house is paid off etc so she's straight (matter of fact she insists on paying for my lunch whenever I take her out somewhere...)

I have friends occasionally ask for some help and my general rule is no. I just recently had a friend who's married w/ 2 kids & a husband ask me for some money with the promise of "I'll pay you back next month" but lets be real...

she's a parent with 2 kids, I know better, ain't NO money getting paid back in the month of December or January and by February its either forgotten or there's a birthday coming up etc etc etc.

Peace

[mhd]

well, for my family, i have paid downpayments for houses, cars, college tuition, mortgage, rent, etc. and general financial assistance. if i got it i give it, because i would not have it if it were not for the love and support of my family. last summer, i hired four family members to work for me, two of them were living with me rent free. money is a tool, and once you figure out how to make it you realize that you will always be able to make money, i try to not get too caught up on loving money.

as for deadbeat relatives, try teaching them how to make their own dough instead of always coming to you, the old saying, teach a man to fish and feed him for a lifetime comes to mind

[eileen]

might as well add close friends who are like family to the list for me. my family tends to leave me alone because i'm on the other coast, but as for the friend-family group out here i do feel the pressure from time to time.

i try to figure out things i would need to do anyway and if they have the skill, i pay them for it. like babysitting, house cleaning, anything they are good at (wish i had a friend who fixes cars...) i would rather pay them then pay some stranger. so in that way it works out because there is no money owed, it's already been worked out and there's no real 'favor' or charity aspect.

but even if i don't give out loans or do favors, i think of myself as being more of a big trouble bank than a little trouble bank. so that makes me feel like i'm not a total heartless hard-ass.

i feel like, if i can keep my own finances straight and manage what i've got, even if it means being tight about little things, then if there was a big trouble situation, like when my friend was about to go straight out of the icu into homelessness, living in her car, there is no question i am down to help, whatever it takes.