How do you tolerate.......................?

[Alanda Marquette from DiscoLadyLand]

How do you tolerate or be nice to people you do not particularly care for? You and the person(s)been knowing each other for years and see them out or talk to them knowing that you don't have much in common with them like before. They still have the same ideas, attitude, conversation and you really don't want to hear about it or talk about it.

Anyway, there is this person I know that is still on the same page as they were 5-10 years ago. We talk, I listen and don't criticize them but I speak about what is different in my life somehow they downplay it and wait for me to go back to my old ways. I think we are friends but when you downplay or doubt my motives I really don't want to be bothered with you and your boring ass issues that I hear everytime I speak to you. I am still a friend because I don't want to speak harsh words. (A soft answer turns away wrath)But damn, how much can a person take?

So I am saying all this to state that friends are truly are few and far between. You must really know who your friends are. Growth is a must for everyone and is good rather you don't want to change or not. This is definitely one to grow on.

Just a thought [img]graemlins/conf44.gif[/img]

[Jamie 3:26]

I gotcha.I really don't associate with a lot of my old friend's.I am a grown ass man.I don't have time to talk about gang-bangin'.Why should a 30 + adult be gang banging anyways?

Then I can't associate with a lot of friends I used to have because I don't know what they are into now and do not want to get caught up in anything.I have to much at stake.

I feel everything you said.I have faced the same issues.It's hard sometimes to just cut someone off who you have so many connections and memories with.Some folks grow up and some folks never do.

I try to associate myself with folks who are doing something positive,who are on a level I am trying to get to,so I can learn a thing or two.

You have answered truthfully and honestly the questions some folks will never see or understand.It shows you have grown mentally,while the others are still stuck on stupid.

You are a real woman.Be proud.'Cause I'm a real man.

[Alanda Marquette from DiscoLadyLand]

Originally posted by JAMIE 3:26:
I gotcha.I really don't associate with a lot of my old friend's.I am a grown ass man.I don't have time to talk about gang-bangin'.Why should a 30 + adult be gang banging anyways?

Then I can't associate with a lot of friends I used to have because I don't know what they are into now and do not want to get caught up in anything.I have to much at stake.

I feel everything you said.I have faced the same issues.It's hard sometimes to just cut someone off who you have so many connections and memories with.Some folks grow up and some folks never do.

I try to associate myself with folks who are doing something positive,who are on a level I am trying to get to,so I can learn a thing or two.

You have answered truthfully and honestly the questions some folks will never see or understand.It shows you have grown mentally,while the others are still stuck on stupid.

You are a real woman.Be proud.'Cause I'm a real man.

You are right Jamie, this girl is still stuck on the same damn dream they were stuck on years ago and haven't moved forward, i have been supportive and have never downplayed their efforts. I appreciate the input and thank you.

I just talk with her this morning and just got irritated with her as usual lately

[ April 15, 2003, 12:45 PM: Message edited by: DiscoLady ]

[Wild i]

Originally posted by DiscoLady:
</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by JAMIE 3:26:

You are right Jamie, this person is still stuck on the same damn dream they were stuck on years ago and haven't moved forward, i have been supportive and have never downplayed their efforts. I appreciate the input and thank you. </font>[/QUOTE]Then let them have their dreams and you have yours. People progress at different (sometimes very different) paces. Some seem lightyears ahead of their time while others seem stuck in a time warp.

I used to worry that my very best friend and I were growing apart. Our lives had taken such complete opposite turns. But it was my mother (a woman who had friends, literally, for life) who told me that friendships ebb and flow; sometimes you're so close, it's like having a second skin -- then sometimes you feel miles apart sitting right next to each other.

I recently spoke to an old friend who as a tag-along-sister when we were coming up. Now I find conversations with her to be simply delightful. Yes, we talk about old times, but we talk about the here and now as well.

Not too much of the good-old-day discussed by people between 35-60 these days because chances are we don't even remember most of it. [img]graemlins/conf44.gif[/img] That cuts through a lot of the riff-raff right there!

Just keep it light and let the person have their moment. They obviously still admire you or else they wouldn't be talking to you.

One more thing... At the same time you're thinking "Goodness, the person is still stuck in the same old groove." they may be thinking "Gracious, Discolady just gave up on all her old dreams."

Sometimes it's all a matter of perspective.

[Wild i]

Originally posted by JAMIE 3:26:
I gotcha.I really don't associate with a lot of my old friend's.I am a grown ass man.I don't have time to talk about gang-bangin'.Why should a 30 + adult be gang banging anyways?

Then I can't associate with a lot of friends I used to have because I don't know what they are into now and do not want to get caught up in anything.I have to much at stake.

I feel everything you said.I have faced the same issues.It's hard sometimes to just cut someone off who you have so many connections and memories with.Some folks grow up and some folks never do.

I try to associate myself with folks who are doing something positive,who are on a level I am trying to get to,so I can learn a thing or two.

You have answered truthfully and honestly the questions some folks will never see or understand.It shows you have grown mentally,while the others are still stuck on stupid.

You are a real woman.Be proud.'Cause I'm a real man.

So what you're saying is that hanging with your old crowd would be a parole violation? [img]icon_rofl.gif[/img] [img]graemlins/respekt.gif[/img]

[Koffy Brown]

Sometimes we just have to know when to move on...

[Friday]

Originally posted by DiscoLady:
How do you tolerate or be nice to people you do not particularly care for?

Usually, I tie them up and put them in the trunk of my car. After a few days I begin to feel real guilty so I let them out and remain friendly with them out of guilt. However, they generally do not seem to want to be my friend afterwards. I don't get it.
[img]graemlins/all_coholic.gif[/img]

[Koffy Brown]

Originally posted by girlfriday:
</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by DiscoLady:
How do you tolerate or be nice to people you do not particularly care for?

Usually, I tie them up and put them in the trunk of my car. After a few days I begin to feel real guilty so I let them out and remain friendly with them out of guilt. However, they generally do not seem to want to be my friend afterwards. I don't get it.
[img]graemlins/all_coholic.gif[/img] </font>[/QUOTE]look for the light girlfriday...look for the light [img]graemlins/rofl.gif[/img]

[Shalewa]

If the person is truly intolerable you need to be honest about the fact that the friendship has come to an end and speak that. If the person is someone who you do want to maintain a connection to, but the relationship has come to a new understanding you may need to check your response to whatever bothers you. I have a good friend who keeps reliving the same baaaaaaddddd relationship. We have lots of history and a variety of common interests but we talk far less regularly than we once did. When she is telling me the story of the latest iteration of the baaaad relationship I usually listen for awhile and then I speak this true statement, "Sister, I love you. I hope you make good choices for yourself" and offer no other comment. I don't go there with her. No more lectures and no more comiserating and no more feeding my precious life force to outside drama (still working on no offstage drama...). She was upset and said I was failing as a friend when I first adopted this response, but now she understands and we share good times and hard times and I support the steps she is beginning to make away from the bad patterning of the past. Our friendship is changed but it is still deep.

[Wild i]

Originally posted by Shalewa:
If the person is truly intolerable you need to be honest about the fact that the friendship has come to an end and speak that. If the person is someone who you do want to maintain a connection to, but the relationship has come to a new understanding you may need to check your response to whatever bothers you. I have a good friend who keeps reliving the same baaaaaaddddd relationship. We have lots of history and a variety of common interests but we talk far less regularly than we once did. When she is telling me the story of the latest iteration of the baaaad relationship I usually listen for awhile and then I speak this true statement, "Sister, I love you. I hope you make good choices for yourself" and offer no other comment. I don't go there with her. No more lectures and no more comiserating and no more feeding my precious life force to outside drama (still working on no offstage drama...). She was upset and said I was failing as a friend when I first adopted this response, but now she understands and we share good times and hard times and I support the steps she is beginning to make away from the bad patterning of the past. Our friendship is changed but it is still deep.

Yup!

[Jamie 3:26]

Originally posted by Wild i:
</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by JAMIE 3:26:
I gotcha.I really don't associate with a lot of my old friend's.I am a grown ass man.I don't have time to talk about gang-bangin'.Why should a 30 + adult be gang banging anyways?

Then I can't associate with a lot of friends I used to have because I don't know what they are into now and do not want to get caught up in anything.I have to much at stake.

I feel everything you said.I have faced the same issues.It's hard sometimes to just cut someone off who you have so many connections and memories with.Some folks grow up and some folks never do.

I try to associate myself with folks who are doing something positive,who are on a level I am trying to get to,so I can learn a thing or two.

You have answered truthfully and honestly the questions some folks will never see or understand.It shows you have grown mentally,while the others are still stuck on stupid.

You are a real woman.Be proud.'Cause I'm a real man.

So what you're saying is that hanging with your old crowd would be a parole violation? [img]icon_rofl.gif[/img] [img]graemlins/respekt.gif[/img] </font>[/QUOTE]naw,It could be a violation of state marriage laws.I used to hang with a wild bunch of dudes.We were famous for being womanizers.I also hung out at times with some serious heavy hitters who had various"busineses."

[Alanda Marquette from DiscoLadyLand]

Originally posted by Shalewa:
If the person is truly intolerable you need to be honest about the fact that the friendship has come to an end and speak that. If the person is someone who you do want to maintain a connection to, but the relationship has come to a new understanding you may need to check your response to whatever bothers you. I have a good friend who keeps reliving the same baaaaaaddddd relationship. We have lots of history and a variety of common interests but we talk far less regularly than we once did. When she is telling me the story of the latest iteration of the baaaad relationship I usually listen for awhile and then I speak this true statement, "Sister, I love you. I hope you make good choices for yourself" and offer no other comment. I don't go there with her. No more lectures and no more comiserating and no more feeding my precious life force to outside drama (still working on no offstage drama...). She was upset and said I was failing as a friend when I first adopted this response, but now she understands and we share good times and hard times and I support the steps she is beginning to make away from the bad patterning of the past. Our friendship is changed but it is still deep.

Thank you. I guess it's my friends way of wanting to hear affirmation from me about how she feels and think. I guess giving examples of how I've changed and make steps on maintaining new developments in my life isn't what she want to hear. You know you she still wants this type of man and she has been independent forever, don't no man change her, yaddah, yaddah, yaddah. I guess what irritated me this morning about her is that she scoffed at what I said about my relationship and the changes that my husband and I both made.

I try to tell her that her life is very important and she has to know what pleases her, she will then know how to please a man. At the same time I've told her that a man isn't that important right now until she knows what she wants and stop confusing sex with high expectations of a relationship or marriage.

I love her dearly and always will. I am glad to hear from my sistahs on the board. Thanx for bringing back when I was going to kick her to the curb.

[(Im)poster]

Another option: Keep moving. Pack up and leave enough times and you will find that only those friends who really matter remain in your life.

It has worked for me, but I know this isn't an option for you and yours. ;)

[music]

first advice is that prayer helps.then a plan w/ god in mind.

life of is many things, look at what the person brings to the table. if it benifits you and the person well and your environment, then let them stay, if not move on. love the person from afar.

the question is- what is she doing to fulfill her dreams?nothing,ok then kindly move on.

i did it w/ my friends and it hurts because i love them very much but hey i needed to concentrate on myself first.

people can be taxing on friends, and you don't want to spend too much time w/ a person that can't see the light. this can be stressful.

there is always therapy.

[ April 15, 2003, 11:21 PM: Message edited by: music ]

[Martin Red]

Family are the only ones you don't have a choice about.

[Koffy Brown]

Originally posted by Martin Red:
Family are the only ones you don't have a choice about.

and it just ain't fair... :D

[MyNia]

Time and space Discolady. Not isolation but give the relationship some space. I have people in my life that I am not as close to anymore because over time we have travelled different paths and some have stayed where they were 10 years ago because that is where they are comfortable. I still talk to them but every other week as opposed to every other day. We just have different interests at different times in our lives.

[Meridian]

I know how U feel DL. Recent events in my life has led 2 the removal of several sources of Bu((-$#!+ N my life. I still have mixed feelings about cutting off people that I have had a long connection 2. However, there is no place for the nonsense anymore. I have went N2 self preservation mode and I think there will only B a few really close supportive friends left N the aftermath.
Do what your heart tells U 2. Its usually right, It's just that the other vital organ doesn't always want to accept it.

[ April 16, 2003, 09:02 AM: Message edited by: Meridian ]

[RX]

Originally posted by Martin Red:
Family are the only ones you don't have a choice about.

freak that! everyone can be traded, including God, if you don't agree with his "commandments"...you are what i call you...